On Loving God

Oceans. There are oceans contained in the first commandment: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all you soul, with all your mind.” Along my Christian journey to be more like Jesus, I’m amazed at how long it has taken for me to be able to say with simple confidence: “I love God.”

When I was young, loving God was no more that loving myself: liking the blessings and benefits of God. I loved the idea of a God who did stuff for me, who inflated my sense of security and value. Then loving God became mysterious, esoteric. In reality I think it was because love itself was a mystery. I could read Paul’s definition of love in 1 Corinthians and agree that a love that kept no record of wrong, rejoiced with the truth, and bore all things was a nice ideal. But I had no clue where the resources to practice that kind of love came from except a general inkling that they came from God Himself.

10 years ago I got hungry to understand love. Around that time, we had our first child and I was pulling out of a significant crisis of faith in which I wasn’t sure I believed in God anymore (much less loved Him). But after that season, I started hearing people speak about a “revelation of the Father’s love”. That was a mystery to me, but just hearing others talk about how God had changed their lives through this mysterious outpouring of His love drew me in.

Then one day, a quiet internal voice said “my child, I love you.” I knew from the bible God loved me. I imagined this love to be a general, grandfatherly love that felt mildly magnanimous toward all its creatures. But I had never heard God inside me saying “I love you” just to me. I remember the warm buzz of affection that came with that voice and I remember smiling and saying, “Thanks Jesus! I know you do!”

The response in my heart was sharp and immediate: “No you don’t. But that’s okay. I love you.” That affirmation of his love and acceptance and the warm feeling of His love crashing over me like an ocean last 6 weeks and then stopped. Or maybe I stopped listening. Either way, it was painful.

Then 3 years ago, I was coming out of another dry and difficult season. One day I was driving in my car listening to the radio and I heard that same voice say something else: “My child I love you. And I really enjoy spending time with you.” It’s one thing to know God loves you powerfully and individually. It’s another thing to know that he gets something out of the time you spend together: that he can not only give love but receive love as well. It motivated me to spend more time with him.

The more I did, the more I felt His love. Soon I could feel His love with the slightest shift of my attention in his direction. The more I felt His love, the more I was able and willing to orient my life towards it. Things that were tedious and difficult became light and easy to me. I could give things up easily when God asked for them.

One day I had a tense conversation with my wife. I could feel the impulse to argue, explain, and justify. But as I was about to lob another volley of self-protective and self-promoting words over the wall, a voice settled like dew on my brain: “ya know, you don’t have to get your way. And you don’t have to be understood.” I felt the tension flow out of my body and a joyful lightness flood in. From then on, whenever that tension came back, I could easily remember that I was now free from the obligation to protect and preserve myself by getting my way in anything. 

Whole universes unlocked for me in that simple word. I could be work a menial job and be perfectly happy. I could lose my house, even my health and rest content. I could be dragged to prison by a corrupt Zambian policeman looking for a bribe and feel nothing but joyful acceptance in the detour of my plans. I felt like a super power that was given to me by one simple and inviting word: “you don’t have to get your way.”

Not long after, I heard the voice say (as it had now been saying daily for over a year) “child, I love you. And now you know it.” I was at the bird sanctuary that morning. I’ll tell you, I sang and shouted and danced in the woods! I felt God’s assurance that I had finally allowed Him to love me. My mind was no longer conflicted. I longer felt vague and mysterious about what love was, what it felt like. I was feeling it. I knew it by smell, taste, and touch. And for the first time, I just let it in without caveats or reservations.

Today, I told God, “I love you.” And I could hear the smile in the words that came back. “I know you do, child.” Though I can say with truth and confidence that I love God, I can still feel the bounded nature and weakness of that love: the fact that my attention span for God is little more than an hour, the fact that I still feel the pressure to get on to the “real work” of the day, the fact that there are still some things that scare me.

So I think I’m entering a season of pruning: inviting him to trim these fruitful branches to make them even more fruitful. I want to press deeper into his love: to let Him love me more deeply, to let him burn out the remaining self-love that once drew me to Him, but now hinders my growth. And this journey, like the others, won’t be a journey of exertion or insight but one of believing and trusting: just learning to rest in the good news. He loves me. And I get to love him too.

Grace is King

God has been pouring grace into my life in a special way for the last 2 years: it’s the grace of Him showing up day after day in ways I can feel and experience. It’s favor beyond anything I can work for or earn. Now I feel like I’m at a cross roads. A number of things have changed about my life that have made it harder to connect with Him lately: mainly I just got really busy. But every time I turn my eyes even half-heartedly in Jesus’ direction, I can feel Him there with me, as loving and kind as ever. It reminds me that there is absolutely nothing deficient or cagey about God’s desire and willingness to connect with His kids. As the song goes, "you don't give your heart in pieces. You don't hide yourself to tease us." Hard as it is for us to accept, the blockage is on our end, not His. So my battle is never to win His heart or convince Him to connect with me, but to find the willingness and desire within myself to connect with Him and stay connected throughout the day.

When I’m connected to Him, I feel Him inviting me into something in this season, and really it is more of the same. He is inviting me to stay connected, to take time, to be disciplined, to train my body and spirit, to be healthy, to do battle, and to trust. But when I’m NOT taking Him up on those invitations, my failure to do what He’s been asking me to do becomes a harsh law within me instead of a loving invitation. But today I’m reminded that the invitation is not from a season of grace to a season of law-based discipline. Rather, it is an invitation to explore the territory of grace more deeply: to apply grace to new situations and scenarios. Like…

*When my house is smoke damaged from a pot of turkey left on the stove on Christmas Eve and you live in a hotel with my family for weeks (maybe months) and battle worry about the million details and decisions needed to get back to “normal” life, I’m reminded that this was all planned and actually it’s my Christmas gift. Jesus is giving me needed time with my family, a new kitchen, free meals, and daily opportunities to lean into his strong arms of grace and blessing.

*When because of said hotel stay (and Christmas break), my daily rhythms of time spent with Jesus go down the toilet, Jesus reminds me that even if I choose not to connect with Him today or tomorrow or for the next 10 years, nothing will separate me from His love or his eagerness to be with me.

*When in 10 days, I’m traveling solo to a relatively dangerous part of west Africa to train 200 leaders and not feeling fully ready or equipped for the task at hand, God tells me “I’ve handed this task to you and not someone else. So trust me and don’t be afraid.”

*When I’m invited to run a half iron-man and I want to do it but I also can’t seem to fully commit to the diet and exercise pieces needed to train for that, Jesus seems to appear in my mind wearing an 80’s rainbow sweatband, wristbands, and a goofy smile. He's more than happy to do it with me, but totally disinterested in condemning me for gluttony or laziness.

*When I’ve been trusted with new staff, a large grant to develop a global training program, and higher-stakes partnership opportunities around the world and I wonder if I have what it takes to not let everyone down, Jesus reminds me that it’s really not about me and that he has set me free from the shackles of success; that I actually don’t HAVE to succeed to be loved and that he’ll stay with me no matter what.

What a joy that God has provided a way for us to get a “righteous” verdict outside of the Law! “Now to the one who works, his wage is not credited as a favor but as what is due” (Rom 4:4). I have written in my bible, “works righteousness is SLAVERY!” I know my ability to work hard to get God to bless me and to like me is pitiful. Plus, the minute I start thinking that reading my bible, going to church, or being nice to my kids makes God like me more, I walk right into that slavery. It can happen as easy as a 5-second thought. 

“But to the one who does not work, but believes in Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited as righteousness.” Isn’t that so much better? Isn’t it so much less pressure to trust the faithfulness of my loving Father rather than my ability to perform admirably or to conjure up faith? And don’t you think my performance will be better anyway when I release my need to “be okay” through performance and trust the goodness of the One who is more than willing to make me “okay” because of what Jesus did on my behalf?

I think what is striking to me about all this is how far the reign of grace extends into my life as a believer. Grace didn’t just cover my weakness when I first came to Jesus as a sinner desperately needing His help. Grace continues to cover me in the midst of living a relatively purposeful Christian life. I suppose that’s the whole Romans 5 thing: “In order that just as sin reigned in death, grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life.” We never graduate from Grace to Law. Ever. Grace is king over the new believer and the mature believer alike. And "growing in grace" will mean diving deeper into the same stuff that saved us in the first place and trusting the Grace-Giver like little kids. Sounds like good new to me.

Getting Free of Offense

I’m becoming convinced that one of the most dangerous things that stands against the growth of a Christian is the ability to take offense. As the Lord has been stripping things out of my life to make room for a stronger and more consistent experience of his Presence, one of the notable things that is being removed is the offense I’ve taken at people, political figures, and other Christians. 

I’ve become painfully aware of the ways in which I’ve taken offense and nursed judgments against people based on my ignorance. Worst of all, I’ve put my offense in the category of “righteous indignation” believing that God was somehow pleased by my courage in “holding the line”, resisting evil, speaking truth. Televangelists, politicians, conservatives, liberals, denominations I dislike or disagree with, cultural or religious groups: enemies. 

I’m aware today of how very self-deceived I’ve become, how ignorant I’ve been. I’ve been lured in by other people’s offense and spread my own offense on blogs and social media like the highly contagious disease it is. For all that, I now repent.

Yesterday, God told me to read a passage in staff meeting. Matthew 5:21… “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister, will be subject to judgment.”

At the time I didn’t apply it to myself, but one of my teammates said “that’s the passage we read in our bible study this morning. God must be speaking to you!” So we spent time in prayer inviting God to search our hearts and then went on with the meeting. Later that day I found myself in a prayer meeting with 2 pastors from a local church. They were there to pray over me and my teammate before we go to India next week. When these 2 pastors began to pray, this issue of offense began to rise up in my heart.

When I had moved to the south 6 years ago, I had formed strong judgments about that church based on a few experiences and a lot of assumptions. I even wrote an incendiary blog post about one of the experience I had at one of their events.

But in that prayer meeting Jesus walked into the room as these men prayed. The presence of God was so thick as they blessed us with prayers for safety, protection, and anointing on our trip. I realized then that these men, and their church had never done anything but bless me, even though in my heart I had been cursing them all this time. Yet I recognized in them kindred hearts; brothers on their own unique journey with Jesus who lives in me and also in them. I felt convictions rising in me and wrestled with the reality that I would have to talk to them about this. As I wrestled with wanting to confess and apologize to them for my offense but also not wanting to be vulnerable, I heard the Holy Spirit in my heart.

“Child, do you know what your heart is without offense?”

“No Lord. What?”

“Free.”

That settled it. Pulling them aside after prayer, I shared the story. I repented for my hard and bitter hard. I asked for their forgiveness as representatives of their community. With great tenderness and compassion they accepted my confession and one of the pastors put his hand on me to pray for me. As he did, I wept: something I rarely do in front of others. I walked away lighter, joyful, free from that barb of offense that had been lodged in my heart for years.

So I wonder… who has offended you? 

And what will you do about it now?

Demystifying Mystery

I’d like to say something about mystery which has long been a tension point in my heart and is just now beginning to get resolved. In the context of this “life in the Spirit” I’ve been enjoying, I can almost feel the veil lifting off my eyes and I can see what was clearly there the whole time. That’s why I’m writing this: because when I say these things you might shrug your shoulders and say “sure sounds biblical enough” but if you ask yourself if you really believe this in your heart you may feel a bit fuzzier… maybe because it doesn’t “ring true” with your experience. But I’d encourage you to search the scriptures on this. You may find as you do, your belief changes; and then over time, your experience.

I’d like to propose that many of us have misunderstood the tension of mystery and revelation in the bible. Many Christians feel it is an expression of humility to confess “how little I really know” when it comes to ultimate truth and reality. This matches with common wisdom: “The older I get, the more I know how little I know.” And why shouldn’t this be true of God? God is so great and we are so small, that our ability to really fathom His attributes and will must be small indeed! 

But I think this is a mistake. Taken to the extreme, you might think some Christians have embraced a strange agnosticism. We believe it is virtue to stand in the tension of unsearchable mystery and never aspire to levels of revelation which are considered unattainable. The tragedy is that in our devotional zeal, we apply this “embrace of tension and mystery” to our understanding of God’s love and His will in Christ. It makes its way into our songs and liturgies: “I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.” May I suggest that our embracing such an attitude bears itself out in apathy more often than real devotion? What we understand defines what we do. And if we embrace a lack of understanding, our actions won’t be much different than folks who may not know Christ at all.

In the Old Testament, a reverential embrace of mystery was more appropriate. The will of God was mysterious to the Jews. Why? Because it had not yet been revealed in Christ. In some who walked by faith, the realities revealed in the new covenant were pointed to, but not fully understood. “They only saw them and welcomed them from a distance” (Heb 11:13).  So Solomon (who lived under tremendous revelation) would say things like, “It is the glory of God to conceal a thing; But the glory of kings is to search out a matter” (Pr 2:2). In other words, only people of certain wisdom and anointing could search out the deep things of God. But even in the old covenant, Moses understood that revelation was required for obedience. So, “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.”

I recently studied the occurrence of the word “mystery” in the New Testament. Here’s what I found: there is still mystery which we live under, even now. But, in the New Testament any mention of ongoing mysteries generally refer to things which have not yet occurred: primarily the “Day of the Lord”. Those things remain hidden for the time being. However, I would argue that every other passage pertaining to mystery in the New Testament (there are about 35) discusses it in the context of what has been revealed to everyone who is in Christ and who knows him through His Spirit who lives in us. God doesn’t want us to revel in the mystery of his unknowability. He wants us to know Him!

Exhibit A:

“With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment —to sum up all things in heaven and on earth under Christ” (Eph 1:9)

So there was a mystery surrounding his will in Christ. But this mystery has been revealed. To who? To us! To regular old believers. What is this great revealed will? The summing up of all things in Christ. Jesus wants all things, all wills subjected under his perfect will. “And when all things have been subjected to Him, then the Son Himself will be made subject to Him who put all things under Him, so that God may be all in all” (1 For 15:28). In this great truth we see a picture of the goodness and grace of God’s sovereign will that “even angels longed to look into” (1 Pet 1:12). What incredible revelation we have! What amazing truth is available to us! We don’t need to be brilliant to grasp these truths. Quite the opposite, we must approach them as little children! But to say they are unknowable (or only partially knowable) is like saying that the storyline of “Breaking Bad” is unknowable just because I haven’t taken the time to go binge watch all 6 seasons on Netflix.

I’m not saying this revelation has been equally grasped by every believer. I AM saying that true revelation is available to every believer and so much more of it that than most of us have dreamed possible! I’ve been rereading the bible in the last couple years and I’m blown away by one single fact: for the most part, it actually makes sense to me! 

One wonderful expression of God’s wonderful knowability is Paul’s prayer for the Ephesians: that they “may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Eph 3:18-19)

Why would Paul pray that the Ephesians might understand the full dimensions of Christ’s love if such knowledge was unattainable? Why not pray “that you may worship God for his love which is deeper than you can ever really grasp?” And what would happen if we DID grasp the full measure of His love? Well, Paul says, then we would be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God! I want that. I want the fullness of God, don’t you? Even though Paul freely confesses that this love “surpasses knowledge” he doesn’t say it can’t be grasped on a deeper level.

So how do we come by this Spirit of Revelation so that we might go deep in our understanding of God’s love, his attributes, his will, and his heart for us? It turns out, the answer is right under our noses. 

“These are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us.”

Praise God! He has made himself understandable! He renews our minds and our whole lives follow suit! Can you taste it? Real transformation, real love, real understanding. It’s there, and God is eager for His people to lay hold of the revelation that is freely theirs in Christ! Woohoo!

I’m convinced that the great battle is not a battle for our circumstances, our emotions, or even our spirits, but rather a battle for our minds. What we think (read: believe) shapes everything. The good news is that when we start connecting with Jesus, our thinking changes. Sure does! And when our thinking changes, our experience of God soon follows suit. And on it goes.

I wish I could communicate what a joy it has been to bask in the truth of God’s zealous passion for self-disclosure, His absolute consuming desire to be truly known. It’s so good.

Here are a couple recommendations for you if the bible feels dull or confusing or if the Christian life feels unapproachable or overwhelming.

1. Consider that God is not grading you on your discipline, your sincerity, or your effort. He loves you. Period. And any desire on His part to draw you deeper into the life of Christ is purely a desire to give you a gift which will grow into enduring delight and rich fruit to be enjoyed by the whole world. He doesn’t want to “use” you. He wants live in you, to put heaven into your heart now, and to do wonderful things through you by giving you the very mind of Christ.

2. I’m enjoying a wonderful old book right now called “The Christian’s Secret to a Happy Life” by Hannah Whitall Smith. Her perspective is simple, refreshing, and colored by an obviously deep friendship with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. https://smile.amazon.com/Christians-Secret-Happy-Reflect-Classics/dp/1433649993/ref=sr_1_sc_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1535591551&sr=8-2-spell&keywords=secret+to+a+happay+life

3. Consider that the source of false belief and unbelief is often rooted in emotional (not rational) beliefs acquired through emotionally painful experiences. Such things are received experientially. Healing is also experiential: Through counseling, through community, through worship, through prayer, etc. I’m particularly fond of two programs/approaches. To uncover, understand, and address childhood pain (emphasis on grieving and forgiveness): http://restoringyourheart.com/ …And to address specific traumatic memories with the (extremely effective) help of the real presence of Jesus: https://www.immanuelapproach.com/

God bless you on the journey!