Fathering in Chicago and more to come!

I'm in Chicago. This week has been insane. This week has been sweet.

I'm here because a group of single folks my age, who put on a bible camp every year at an Indian Reservation decided to get together for a weekend at a lakehouse for some supposed "planning and prep." Also known as snuggling, giggling, and general cultish behavior. :) I suppose this is what happens when you share a single bathroom in a one-room cabin with 15 people for a week each summer. After last year's trip I had only to say the word and the whole team would be at my apartment, even it was 90 degrees inside. We would all sit around sipping beers, playing games, and grinning at each other like idiots. I guess I haven't found a group of individuals that likes each other QUITE that much... ever. So of course I'm going to White Earth this year! And of course I'd drive 6 hours to hang out with them!

The rest of the week I spent reconnecting with guys from my old mens group, doing ministry, listening, praying, listening some more. Here was my appointment schedule for 2 days:

Monday: 12pm, 3pm, 4:30pm, 7pm, 9pm
Tuesday: 7am, 9am, 12pm, 5pm, 8pm

All intense. All exhausting. All rewarding.


Here I feel like a papa (some of my peers even call me that: Papa Nate. I know, right?). I sat in a restaurant with 20 of our best friends Sunday and looked down the long table with immense satisfaction. "You have that fatherly look in your eyes," somebody said interrupting. And it was true. So many people into whom I had invested personal time and energy and near-burnout, and here they were for the most part growing and thriving. Nothing could be more satisfying.

All week, I got to sit with one person after another who ALREADY trusted me and listened to their hearts. Job developments, dating relationships, sexual problems, emotional issues, future decisions, personal growth, healthier decisions. Most guys are still plugged in to healthy community and are growing. The mens group which I started mushroomed under new leadership, achieved some renown in the church, and more mens groups are appearing. I imagine this is how empty nesters feel when their kids are doing well off at college.

Some people were saying I'd changed over the course of 8 months in a good way: that I seemed more peaceful, more confident, more faith-filled. I told them that raising support and receiving 6 weeks of intensive "acceptance therapy" from Father God in August (along with the real sense that my dreams for work and ministry are coming true before my eyes) have all made me deeply trust God's character and care for me. Even though we've had immense stresses and challenges, I think when take stock of our lives, our marriage, our family, all we can say is.... God is good. He is SO good.

Off to Iowa for to hang out with some more friends and then back home to Minnesota! I'll be at church all day Thursday prepping for worship stuff. Then Friday and Saturday, my dad-in-law and I are co-leading a men's retreat. I'll be driving home late Saturday night so I can lead worship the next morning. I'm holding out for Monday morning, and then I'm going to try to spend a couple quiet days with a good book! Hope I can cat nap along the way!

Addicted to Influence

I have a confession to make: I’m addicted to influence. I have an insatiable appetite for power that tastes approval and goes on a sharkish feeding frenzy. It’s true, and the crazy thing is, I’m willing to give myself ulcers to gain that power and influence and approval. I take on the stress and responsibility of others because I’ve begun to imagine myself as a crucial part of this whole (fill in the blank) endeavor. I’d like to say, “Papa God’s love and approval are all I need to feel secure and satisfied,” and that should be true…. But its not always true for me. I kind of wonder if seasoned leaders look at me running around vying for influence, and chuckle with a spark of recognition for the young ambitious guy that works himself to death.

I’ve been doing a lot of that lately, and getting a lot of approval for it. At times I’ve found myself, an impoverished 28-year-old dad living with his in-laws, pastoring pastors, giving prophetic words to spiritual shepherds, gaining accolades from one Rev. Dr. Mr. Importantguy after another! One of these guys, a known commodity in “Churchyland” walked into our church Sunday and had a long conversation with me. On his way out the door, he left my pastors with a glowing reference: “sounds like your church (with Nate) is going from good to great.”

I’m embarrassed to admit that I once pursued a coffee meeting with a famous author and pastor (okay, okay, it was John Piper) for the sole reason (I realize it now) that I hoped to gain credibility and self-importance through my association with him. I’m glad now that I wasn’t given the time of day! Among missionaries we often talk disparagingly about “nationals” who try to build and maintain friendship with us for no other reason than the notoriety of their association with an American. “Why can’t they just like me for me?!” But I’m afraid I do the exact same thing.

I write this so that I can stay sane. I feel the warm presence of a heavenly Father looming over me with stern kindness saying, “so are you going to privately humble yourself now? Or should I humiliate you publicly?” With the calmest and most loving voice, God says to me, “Friend, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.” Okay. Take me down a few notches on the self-importance scale. Feels like self-sabotage. Is life.

In the mean time, this was my resolution for the day. It seems like Jesus did this a lot, so I’ll try to do more of it myself…

Resolution #4: I resolve NOT to spend time with someone for the sole reason that they are influential or powerful. On the contrary, I resolve to hang out with powerless people, to love and be loved by them, to chase after God with them, to obnoxiously and purposefully lower my “cool rating” because “my people” aren’t “THE people to know.”

Victor says "Prioritize"

One of the amazing side effects of parenting is that you absorb kids shows right along with your child. You start to think this is normal. Before long you're singing the "Umi Zumi" theme song and quoting "Wonder Pets" around your friends. You look at them waiting for the spark of understanding as if you had just dropped an "Office Space" quote. It never comes.

You also start to think of your life in terms of moralizing quips and sound bytes. "Wow! If we work together we really DO got the right stuff!"

I can't resist nodding my head along with Thomas the Train and the valuable lessons of work and relationships that he teaches my 3-year-old and I. Oh how right he is.

Why just the other day, silly old Victor the train decided that he "really wanted to be a useful engine." (Sir Topemhat should NEVER have goaded his ego like that!) So he tried to take on every request that came his way. But (and here's the zinger), by trying to please everybody, he ended up pleasing nobody. Wow.

This goes right along with the "have-ya-read-it?" book that I'm reading right now. (Ministry people REALLY love the "have-ya-read-it" game. It's actually a lot like this....

...end parentheses.)

The book is called, "Ordering Your Private World" and other than the fact that it's a considered a classic in pastoral ministry, it's actually a really good book. It talks a lot about budgeting and prioritizing time, avoiding burnout, carpe-ing the diem and that sort of thing. It also talks about the importance of saying no. Quoting his father, MacDonald says, "Your challenge... will not be separating out the good from the bad, but in grabbing the best out of all the possible good." Amen, Mr. elder MacDonald. Amen, Victor the train.

It's so easy for me to get so entrenched in really good things, that I miss the best stuff, the stuff I'm actually CALLED to. So I end up spending most of my time on things I'm no good at and feeling I don't have time for the things I love and AM good at.

It's tempting for me at this point to simply put a freeze on my schedule or just say no to everything. But I don't think that's enough. I think I need to actively seek to FILL my schedule, but to fill it with things that lean toward my priorities and calling and passions. So yesterday, I said yes to a brand new relationship with a Kenyan man at my church. We're going to get tea together in a couple hours. I also said no to a chance to play in a band for our church's 50th anniversary celebration. I'm saying yes to one-on-one meetings (which I'm good at and bring me to life) and saying no to committees and events (which can be exhausting to me). I'm trying to throw parties, organize trips, plan dinners, lead worship, and engage in discipling relationships... all things I love. I'm also trying to figure how to prioritize (or delegate) the not-so-lovely things I NEED to accomplish that will better enable me to do the things I'm made for. And of course, I'm trying to have the discipline to carve out luxurious amounts of time for worship and prayer and reflection as well as solid family time. So... yay for discipline. :)

Well Victor (and MacDonald), thanks for the life lesson. As a people pleaser with lots of energy, I think this one is gonna be a tough one for me.

This little brother went wee wee wee down the creek

This week I was in Duluth with my family. My whole family. My oldest brother Chris and his family are making a rare visit from Washington so we went up for the week. In my there are 5 siblings. Between us there are 7 children under 4 years with twins on the way. This is the first time all the cousins have been together. I caught the 4 older ones digging through my parents' attic unsupervised yesterday having the time of their lives! Let the good times roll.

Meanwhile, the siblings had some of their own childish fun. There are introverts and extroverts in my family. But when we're together, everyone is gregarious, everyone is laughing, everyone is loud. And I do things with my siblings that I don't do with anyone else. Like race up the creek.

Tisher Creek may be the only place I've ever felt truly agile. I spent whole days there growing up. I know every rock and crag by heart. I often daydreamed about escaping the police by disappearing into the creek. My brothers and I spent endless hours there fishing for bullheads, hopping across the rocks, and building forts.

And supposedly, we would have races: off the trails, up the creek, from Superior Street to 4th Street. So during our gregarious family reunion we decided to do it again... as 28, 30, and 32 year old men. Here's the video footage. What's so entertaining to me about the video is how so little changes over time. As a child, I always looked for an alternate route. I consistently hedged my bets against the paths that others took thinking I would get lucky (usually not the case). You'll notice I climbed a huge cliff rather than rely on stamina and the sensible route to beat my brother. Sure, I lost. But I lost creatively!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkQmoiJwIzc

By the way, after the race, we spent over an hour dislodging a giant felled tree spanning the river just to watch it tumble 15 feet into the creek. Then we raced down the creek (BAD idea). At one point I landed so hard on my heel that I bruised it and have been limping for 5 days! Of course, big brother Chris had to carry me to the road on his back!

I really like my zany gregarious family. The older I get the more I realize that there is no replacement for family. Even best friends get distant and best intentions are temporary. But family is something you're stuck with. There are so many ways that I'm completely different from my siblings. But I'm consistently surprised by similarities, shared quirks, a constant reminder of where I came from. So even when I feel like a total cultural anomaly (which happens to me often living out in the burbs), I remember that I come from somewhere and in that context, I make sense. I remember that I have a little group of people that's stuck with me too. I like that.

Hmm.... urge to flesh out analogy between Church and family....? Urge resisted. :)

Once doubt is planted

I suppose it’s a bit late for Easter reflections. But I was thinking about Thomas’ experience of the resurrection event and the way God dealt with a doubter.

First, Thomas vocalizes his skepticism a full week before Jesus addresses his concern. Do you know how long a week is in “doubter years?” When I’ve been in the midst of a faith crisis, my outlook on life can change on a daily or hourly basis. By the end of a week, Thomas must have felt smugly justified in his doubts and cynical of the other disciples who held on to hope. I know I would. But I’m glad Thomas expressed his doubts instead of swallowing them. Even if doubt isn’t a suitable home for people (as some of my peers seem to think), it’s an important path we all have to take eventually. It takes a lot of courage to express doubt and a lot of integrity to keep plugging away at it.

But though researching the ancient texts and gathering information from others might have been beneficial to Thomas, the only person who could truly answer his doubt was Jesus himself. And out of love, Jesus goes out of his way to respond to Thomas objections on Thomas’ terms (though not on Thomas’ timeline) and then exhort Thomas to stop doubting and believe.

Jesus has this amazing way in my experience of saying, “I love you: doubts and all. Your doubts are valid. Your honesty is valuable. Now stop doubting and trust me.” Or perhaps more accurately, “I love you: doubts and all. So now you are free to rest from the road of doubt and settle in the security of belief.”

Belief is an awesome thing, but it has to be arrived at honestly. Once an idea is planted, it can’t be quenched by force of will. It must be addressed by a self-secure God who isn’t threatened by doubt. I think Jesus wanted Thomas to experience for a full week the terrifying implications of his doubt and then demonstrate that he was calm, secure, and undeniably real even in the midst of our scariest doubt.

I like that about Him.

Good Friday in the Upanishads

There I was searching the Hindu Upanishads next to John 18. I wanted to find an exerpt to make a point. Namely, that the bible stands in stark contrast to other sacred texts in its earthy goodness and readability. I remembered the happiness of some Fulani tribesmen in West Africa 3 years ago when we handed them a Pulaar copy of the New Testament. With giddy excitement, they didn’t wait for us to leave before reading from the bible out loud to everybody nearby. They laughed and grinned as they recognized familiar characters from the Qur’an and read their stories with new eyes. They were excited not just to have literature in their language. They were excited that this Injeel, this holy book read like a real story. Even the young men who understood Qur’anic Arabic were still mystified by its cryptic composition. As beautiful as the recitation may be, it’s not an easy book to understand. A lot of sacred texts are that way: enigmatic, cryptic, bizarre. But universally people find the bible to be an earthy, relatable narrative. The thrust of Christian doctrine regarding scripture is communicating not words but meaning. In other words, it’s Word become Flesh; not Word become words.

Perhaps more than the rest, the Upanishads are hopelessly cryptic, often crossing the line into the bizarre. But as a Christian I believe other texts can and often do contain surprising insights, bridges of truth and realness that Christians must humbly honor and use as a starting point for faith conversations. So though I was looking for an example of enigmatic weirdness, I found a stunning Hindu passage that feels perfect for Good Friday.

Envision the following as though reading a synopsis of John’s gospel: Cosmic eternal Word of God becomes flesh. The “Everything” becomes nothing, and in dying, becomes the resurrection of all things. Imagine this passage is talking about Jesus…

[My comments in the square-y brackets]

He who is Rudra, he alone is God. He is truth and we salute him again and again.
He who is Rudra, he alone is God. He is everything and we salute him again and again.

Earth is your feet [incarnation]. And the Suvar Loka (another world above earth) is your head [ascension]. You who are Brahma appear united also divided in to two [fully God and man in tension] You are peace. You are vigour. You are that which is offered in fire and that which is not offered in fire [surrendering to death, He was unconquered by it]. You are that which is given in charity and that which is not given. You are everything and also nothing. You are the entire universe and you are not. You are that which is done and that which is not done [God’s Kingdom inaugurated, but not yet fully manifest]. You are that which is at the top and that which is at the bottom. And you are the home for all beings.

Deeply drinking the somapana (a holy drink) of your grace [blood of the New Covenant?] we have become deathless. We have reached the ultimate. We have seen the devas (deity). Who can cause any harm to us? We humans do not have any shortage of that nectar (your grace).

You who are primeval are older than the sun and the moon. 

For the sake of this world, this deathless primeval being, catches hold of this world which is created by Prajapathi and which is minute and peaceful, without touching it and attracts its shape of things by shape, peacefulness by peace, minuteness by minuteness and airy nature by its airy nature and swallows it. Salutations and salutations to that great swallower. [Read it again. It’s not so bizarre. Jesus, using earthly “shape” attracts beings of the earth to himself. Exhibiting the world’s finer qualities in his life on earth, he demonstrates his preeminence even over high qualities like peace and airy nature by swallowing them whole. “Take courage: I have overcome the world.”]

...Okay, so it’s not perfect and I’ll admit my Upanishadic exegesis is loose at best… But we’ve got some connections, right? I think my favorite bridge verse is the one about receiving grace through his “holy drink” and thus becoming deathless. Good Friday anybody?

signing for the blood transfusion.

This made me cry.
 

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?"

Jesus is talking to his friends. He'd been prepping them for his departure and it must have caused enormous grief. Not because they were losing an important acquaintance or public figure... but because they were losing the guy who initiated relationship with them, walked with them, blew their minds with radical new teaching, showed them miracles, walked alongside their faltering faith, empowered them to be more than they were: not mere fishermen but "fishers of men."

And I have to believe in those days, relationships meant everything. There was no Facebook. No email. If you're gone from where I am... it's like you're dead to me. In Acts, the apostle Paul would leave a place and all the believers there would weep as though his departure ripped their hearts out. I guess friendship was really intense back then and it must been more than a bit stressful for the disciples to think about Jesus leaving them.

But he says not to worry about it because he was gonna make up some rooms so that his friends could come live with Him. On earth, it was said "the Son of Man has no place to rest His head." But in his Father's house, there was enough room for him and all his friends to settle down and hang out for eternity. So he told his disciples, "look guys, I'm just gonna go make up some beds for you at my Dad's house. Then I'll come back for you and you can come stay with me there. We'll never be separated and we'll have forever to enjoy each others' company. If you want to get to where I'm going just follow me. I am the way, the truth, and the life. I'm the best map you've got!"

Okay... here's what I take from that:

1. Jesus is telling me (again!) not to "let my heart be troubled" about all the little stuff that freaks me out. 

2. The REASON he can say that is because being "with" Him is way more important than working for Him, or being productive, or meeting deadlines, or fulfilling people's expectations.

I went through my task list for today:

1. Fill out income-based repayment paperwork SO THAT my student loans payment don't go up.

2. Write thank you notes SO THAT people will know that I appreciate them and not think I'm a flake.

3. Buy tickets to Africa SO THAT I don't have to pay more later.

4. Work for at least 6 hours SO THAT I'll feel productive and good about my day.

Okay. All those are fine things. But at the end of the day, does it really matter? I sat there this morning holding each task, each motivation up to the Father and over and over He said of each thing: "Who cares? Really, who cares? You're Papa cares for you." As in... Papa cares for my heart, my true identity apart from the things I mistake for identity.

How can I say this....

I was born with a soul. When I die, my soul will depart to the afterlife. My soul is NOT my body, my intellect, my talent, my accomplishments, or my emotions. It's something deeper. Why then do I assume God's relationship with me rests on ANY of those other things? 

I suppose because I have NO other relationship like it. My relationship with my family gives me a glimpse. But even my most selfless relationships are contaminated with my expectations of what I might receive in return for my love, my grace, my investment of time and attention. Turns out agape is pretty tough to achieve. 

So with God my heart is always a bit guarded. Like, "are you really loving me just because?" And in case Papa's love turns out to be less than unconditional, at LEAST I'm a good person with an education and plenty of raw talent to warrant Papa's approval. That's my fallback position. Ironically, my fallback position works against me. Because pride, self-reliance, and flesh-confidence were the first evil of the first people. Those "sins" kept Adam and Eve in hiding from God. They are an umbrella to protect me against his love, a fig leaf to hide behind. They keep me separated from his simple unconditional love. And I kinda think He'd say, "I'd rather make you a quadriplegic who understands that you can't do anything but that I love your soul than let you go on thinking I'm impressed by your posturing or good deeds or important friends or moral choices."

Living for God is better than living for people. God expects perfection. But he also gives grace. People don't expect perfection, but they also don't give a lot of grace. Okay but here's the thing. God knows we can't DO perfection. He knows we're sick: a fatal genetic blood disease we all share. So He donated some of his healthy blood to a good cause by becoming a person and dying. Actually, Jesus' death is less like a senseless execution and more like a blood transfusion. It's available to any patient willing to undergo the procedure. Now to those who accepted it, the healthy blood is restoring the diseased cells and we're on our way towards being healthy again. Not there yet. But in Father's house, everything will be completed

I know this is a rambley blog, but here's what I think:

God loves you and me start to finish just because. We can sign for the blood transfusion or go it alone. We can spend our lives  accepting God's love or hiding from it. Today, I'm gonna go ahead and let it in, trust that it's real, let go of the fall-back position. That means, if I don't finish my to-do list today... who cares? Papa cares for me.