Why I'm still a Christian. Honestly (Part 1).

A friend recently told me agnosticism is the most honest theological position out there. Well... I might have agreed with him once, but not now. Here is my most un-Christiany explanation of why I still love Jesus, read the bible, and go to church. I'll keep it personal.

I was born into this subculture of American evangelicalism. But I've never been given to blind acceptance. Maybe it's because I was "securely attached" or maybe I just prefer my beliefs to feel uber-real and personal. So when I was 15, I branched out. I sampled a bit of teenage narcissism, grayed a few of my parents' hairs, and got into more trouble than is appropriate to blog about. But every moment, I somehow knew I would return to my Christian faith. I'll admit I never really wanted to leave Christianity.

A more serious season of doubt came a few years ago. I was nearly swallowed alive by the crazy epistemological assertions of Christianity. I mean, if I could know so little about ANYTHING, how could I claim to have specific knowledge about the creator, much less claim to know him personally and possess his blueprint for all human history. I also wrestled with the cultural baggage of the faith. Was I culturally conditioned to accept this crazy upside-down Christian gospel? Was Karma or an Islamic view of God more sensible than grace? Those 6 months were dark, but even then I admit I never wanted to leave my faith for permanent agnosticism.

But why? What primal thing beyond reason and logic compels me toward the Christian faith? Beyond the comfort of the familiar, what deep-seated need did the Christian gospel continue to meet in me even when the whole thing seems like medieval nonsense? Here's my running list in no particular order...

1. The gospel makes me feel "seen". I'll spare you the sappy middle-child saga. But suffice it to say it's powerful for me to feel known. And known is exactly what I feel in a personal relationship with God. Some of my most ass-kickingest times with Jesus are when I feel like he gets me and chooses to relate with me accordingly. Rather than bestowing his Jesus-mojo on all humanity, I think he relates to each person individually and I like that. God is not a one-size-fits-all Father just keeping his head above water with a billion kids on his hands. In my experience, agnosticism is a great orphan-maker. But Jesus makes me part of a family.

2. It's not fair and that's a good thing. I mean really. It's not fair that God doesn't just measure good and bad deeds on a scale. It's not fair that "good people" can go to hell while a murderer begging forgiveness on death row would actually receive it (see Luke 18). Thankfully, I know I'm a mess I'm not about to say my messedupness is everybody else's fault. I know how damning my actions (and attitudes) are and I see how badly a "fair" system would work out for me. So I suppose I'm happy to accept grace, offensive as it can be.

3. The gospel is art. I just think the whole thing is awfully pretty. It's such a compelling and curious story: God relentlessly pursuing people, taking the initiative, turning the created order on its head. Death through life, glory through humiliation, strength through weakness. I'm a sucker for gospel paradoxes.

4. Miracles are real. I think I've seen enough to substantiate that: legs growing, spines aligning, prophecies fulfilling.... in front of me. If I can accept those "little" miracles, maybe I can reasonably accept some wild claims from trusted sources of legit resurrections, exorcisms, healings, and plenty of other stuff for which "psychosomatic" explanations would be a hell of a leap of faith. The funny thing to me though is that the miracles people claim happen "in Jesus name" are a totally different breed than the ones that happen in other religious systems. Other worldviews contain accounts of crazy human feats, bizarre ghost stories, messages in the clouds, and the like. But the Christian stories seem to swallow all others whole. I just haven't heard ANY hint of an invoke-able spiritual authority greater than Jesus.

Well, enough for now. My list keeps growing…. Stay tuned for part 2.