Potty training and its implications for ministry.

“Daddy, I want you to close your eyes and not look where I’m going!”

“Hmmm….. okay. Where’s Annabel? Where could she be going?”

Thump, thump, thump, thump. Silence…… tinkle, tinkle….. “DAAAADDYYYYY!!! Come in here!!”

This followed a long dialogue about peeing before breakfast. She stalled, she cried, she ran away. Finally she admitted, “I just don’t want to go because you asked me.” I’ve been trying to get through this rebellious streak in my daughter; this firm resolve to NOT do as I say just BECAUSE I say it.

We have epic showdowns: hour-long timeouts over something as small as putting a single toy away, or giving an apology. With calm decisiveness I choose to break my daughters obstinacy. But she’s one tough little bugger and almost every time, the only thing that results is unresolved alienation. So I go back and forth between closing my eyes to give my daughter the illusion of free will and fiercely confronting her anarchistic attitudes.

It got me thinking about discipleship in an American context. Americans are born and bred to be rebellious. Free-thinking anti-authoritarian punks who hate nothing more than external control. Like our national idols, the American Revolutionaries, we buck hierarchies, expel expectations, and despise the rule of law.

Is that a problem for American Christians? Heck yeah! Daughters? Of course. Me? Oh crap.

I’ve been told in the past by pastors, mentors, and deans that I am “unteachable”. And to a degree they are right! I AM unteachable! I’m proud and defensive. I got that little habit from my ancestors, my parents, and my own arrogant choices. But the problem is, I see through people. I can tell when a leader is trying to consolidate his or her own power by exhorting their people to be obedient. I know the difference between a leader’s care and affection for people and his personal insecurities regarding his leadership. And only once in my life (here’s looking at you Mark Pavola) has that issue in me been confronted lovingly in the context of a trust-filled relationship.

I’m going to make a strong statement: I believe that leaders who spend their time worrying about and confronting rebelliousness in their ministries are wasting their time, playing into their insecurities, and sabotaging the effectiveness of their ministry. Sorry bub. You live in a culture where trust and authority are earned by love and by example, not assumed because of position or pedigree. There are FAR more effective ways to help people grow and mature than beating them up over those inborn attitudes. What I’m saying is that every parent KNOWS that it’s important to choose battles wisely. I believe it’s time for us spiritual parents to quit it with the “because I said so” line. It’s time to start working contextually in a non-authoritarian society to build trust and loyalty through relationships rather than power plays.

Isn’t this consistent with Jesus’ ministry? He didn’t get huffy when people didn’t respect his authority. But the gospels say the people observed that he “taught as one who had authority” and therefore they respected Him. The testimony of His teachings and personal example and miracles validated him, NOT his role as a Jewish rabbi. He didn’t waste his time consolidating His personal influence. He only discussed his authority with people who openly questioned it. But ultimately, I believe Jesus felt secure in His calling/annointing at his baptism and the personal charisma God had given him as a leader. Therefore, he let people make their own decisions about whether they could trust Him. He even went so far as to say, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

If you are a person with authority, please stop exercising it.

As I look back on the people I admire most in life, they are NOT the ones who confronted me, but the ones who encouraged me, who believed in me. They invested time and energy into me with kind and generous hearts. They showed me what a humble Jesus life looks like and made me want to be gentler, kinder, and yes… more submissive. They inspired rather than coerced. They built relational equity and earned the right to speak truth and address lies in my heart. For these gentle and respected individuals, I am infinitely teachable, an open door, a fertile field.

I told my men’s group last year that one of our ground rules was that we would not give advice unless it was asked for. I could see the men squirm as I said that and at least one man objected: How can “one man sharpen another” if we are deprived of the right to give advice and share our opinions. I explained that the safety built by NOT giving advice would yield trusting relationships which would ultimately allow for a greater “sharpening”. Even I was surprised by the results of this rule. For months, I listened, asked questions, and spent time with the guys. I resisted the temptation to share my studied opinions, my sage wisdom, my instructive experiences. Almost immediately, a few of these men began not only to share some of their most intimate struggles, but to ask for my feedback. They invited me into the heart of their decision-making process. That was an honor I neither sought nor demanded.

I suppose shepherding a 30-year-old is different than shepherding a 3-year-old. Though honestly, I don’t think it’s THAT different. Building rapport and showing love are the basis of effective transformational leadership in both groups.

I imagine I still have a few showdowns left with my daughter. There ARE non-negotiables (like safety) and she DOES need to learn to follow instructions even if the instructions aren’t given in an ideal manner. But I’ll work around those rebellious tendencies as much as possible. (Remember how King Rehoboam was poorly advised to tell his subjects, “My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.”)  I’ll choose my battles and honestly I feel fine about that because I think the end result will be better.

So do I feel like I sold out or backed down when I closed my eyes and let my daughter think that she was choosing to sit on the toilet? Nope. Not at all.