Leaders Are Developed (Zambia 2016, Part 2)

(Warning: this one contains a good bit of shop talk about pedagogy and program implementation. I won’t be offended if you get bored!)

Zambia is hot in October. Not ridiculously hot, and the beads of perspiration evaporate instantly into the dry season dust. Still, throughout the afternoon all twelve men squirmed and blinked at each other in the churched as we waited for the sun to sink lower in the sky. But 95 and dry was a walk in the park compared to Ghana’s 106 and humid. We all soldiered on.

Mindolo Baptist church is settled inside a walled compound with a parish, a dirt patch in the corner to burn garbage, and about 20 cars from the community parked in the security of the compound for a small daily fee. Some of the trucks had been abandoned by the owners and were now pillaged skeletons.

The twelve men sat circled inside for something unique within Zambia: a Restoring Your Heart training. I say it’s unique because in an emotionally siloed and intensely gendered country with few good counselors and fewer support groups (especially for men), the news of a bunch of pastors and church elders starting a string of emotional healing groups for men is sure to raise some eyebrows. At one time I wondered if it would be relevant. Perhaps the ultra-polite Zambian culture had mechanisms to encourage emotional health and deal with problems. If there is, neither I, nor my Zambian friends seem to know about it. Because when I introduced the idea to a group of Zambian pastors a couple years ago that emotional healing is tied to spiritual growth, the response was cacophonous: Come back prepared to teach more on this subject or else.

So last week I returned with a stack of workbooks and teaching notes ready to train some leaders. I knew what I wanted them to do: start Restoring Your Heart groups under supervision. But to accomplish this I needed to get through some significant logistical obstacles.

Obstacle #1: Materials. I brought some nice workbooks for the leaders but it won’t be enough for 50 new group members come January. So we visited an industrial printer, got a quote, made a plan for a first run of English books and a second run of Bembe books once they get translated. Check.

Obstacle #2: Cost. The more I work in Africa, the more I realize that free equals non-valuable most of the time. But in Zambia, the shadow of Western paternalism casts an ugly shadow on anything you give away. So we opened it up to the leaders and came up with a cost for groups that everyone felt was reasonable and that would ensure the ministry becomes self-sustaining as the groups grow. Check.

Obstacle #3: Training. No inspiring sermon or fascinating lecture could cause this group to internalize everything they need to learn and apply in leading this group, understanding emotional needs, spotting depression, understanding the grieving process, understanding forgiveness, building an emotional vocabulary, completing developmental tasks, etc.

So I slowed the group down and systematically opened each topic up for conversation. I made sure all the major points were covered but I wanted them to find the answers on their own. And they did. Then I gave tests every day. The first one was a train wreck but the rest got progressively better and reinforced the major points. I let one of them lead a session and we did a group critique. I took them through the experience they would soon lead and made them do the homework they would ask their participants to do. We even did role-plays. The letters of forgiveness they read out loud in the group on Thursday morning were wonderfully cathartic and some of them reported a “weight being lifted.” Others shared things they have never spoken to another living soul. It was beautiful.

In the end, I was happy with their comprehension. I was also happy with their buy-in. 8 of the guys indicated their intention to start a group of their own. I’d lie if I said I was fully confident in them as group leaders but I think with good coaching and ongoing training they can get there. Which brings me to...

Obstacle #4: Follow up. This has perhaps been the biggest missing piece in other training seminars. We have no natural mechanism to monitor progress and develop people over a period of time. This is my first stab at a follow-up plan but I think it’s a step forward. So those who want to start a group will do so in together in January and be part of an email coaching group for the next 8 months. Every 2 weeks, I’ll send them a training resource and require a few reflective questions including questions or problems in their group. The email group is only for group leaders. Then I’ll do a follow-up training with those leaders next July as well as a round 1 training for women (I’ll need to find a gal to come along for that). This plan gives us accountability, a natural funnel to identify serious leaders, and shows them that we’re committed to developing them. The next couple months will be telling. It’s a start though right?

Personally, it has felt good to release myself from the pressure to entertain people or put on a great seminar with a potent delivery. I told the guys this week that I have very little interest in teaching people. But I have loads of interest in helping people learn and grow. I’m interested in building good connections with a smaller group of leaders and working with them over a course of years. I think it lines up better with who I am anyway.

Leaders Aren't Trained (Zambia 2016, Part 1)

It was a dusty day in Kitwe when I walked out of the blinding sun into the stick and tin structure serving as a small church. Inside, I there was a seemingly random assortment of middle aged men in suits, breastfeeding mothers, and a handful of nuns sitting on log benches oiled shiny by the skin of countless worshippers. I clenched a bundle of notes, some typed some handwritten and photocopied with my own chicken scratch on the margins. My 70-something colleague Dave had handed them to me and mildly wished me luck. I squinted my eyes at them all across the Atlantic trying to make sense of all this talk of progress disciple-making, foundational assumptions, and strange sounding acronyms. Then it was show time.

I’m not much of a teacher now. But in 2010, fresh out of seminary and woefully insecure, I’m certain I put those nuns to sleep as I droned on reciting every sentence in those notes, inserting my own dry anecdotes and instantly getting lost and having to search the page to find my next bullet point. Every Zambian there assured me after four days that the seminar was a true inspiration and had changed their lives forever. In my memory Dave said something like, “yeah okay not bad for your first time.” Thanks Dave.

I suppose I began to believe that if I could just become a more eloquent and confident teacher, mastering those notes and perfecting my delivery, maybe then I actually could change some lives. So for the next few years I tried. Oh I tried. And I improved. I left the notes on the podium. My anecdotes got better. I inserted my own fiery convictions. And people in the Congo, Ethiopia, and Ghana assured me that with increasing fervor that I was changing their lives forever with my revolutionary teachings. But I couldn’t shake this sneaking suspicion that most of those people were going home and setting their eagerly scratched notes reverently on a pile of notes from other life-changing seminars about farming practices, micro-enterprises, social entrepreneurship, or community health and then going about their real lives as usual. I can’t blame them. I’ve done the same thing countless times after any number of life changing conferences, retreats, and special events. That is, I’ve done nothing. I might discuss those new ideas with a couple friends or dream of some new possibilities, but in the end, my “real life” calls me back to earth.

I came across and interesting article in Forbes recently that told me what I long suspected but preferred not to hear: leaders aren’t trained. Leaders are developed. In fact the article went on to tell me that most leadership “trainings” do more harm than good. How could this be? Because, one friend told me as we discussed it, trainings can give people the impression that they have changed when in fact they haven’t. They’ve been inspired, educated, and convinced but not changed. Change happens in the nitty gritty behavioral choices we make tomorrow morning, next month, and next year. Because a seminar is a radically different environment from our daily lives, it is harder than we think to make that application leap. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. It does. But it requires a level of inspiration, personal conviction, and reinforcing experiences that most people will never attain in a seminar and no lecturer can guarantee no matter how eloquent.

So what’s a trainer to do?

First we need to pay attention to how people learn. I promise you, a content-heavy lecture is NOT how people learn. They learn by discussing. They learn by reinforcing experiences. Most of all, they learn by teaching others. They learn through a frequent teacher-student feedback loop.

Second, we need to be willing to get into the nitty gritty. Visionary types like me hate the nitty gritty. I don’t know, it’s just so... nitty gritty. But as they say, the devil is in the details. So let’s say I just blew your mind with the seminar to end all seminars. What are you really going to do with it tomorrow? Have I made it abundantly clear what I want you to do? Do you think you can do it? Did I give you the resources and materials to do it? Do you feel it would be worth it? Who is going to remind you to do it when the gravity well of the status quo starts calling you? Who do you ask when you have a question or run into a problem? I’m afraid I haven’t had good answers for those questions in the past. I’ve just hoped they would figure it out.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying these last 6 years of training national leaders has been a waste. I genuinely believe that many people’s lives have been impacted. And along the way, I’ve been intentional about building friendships with a few key people and nurturing those friendships over the course of years. Plus I’ve learned a ton and honed a boatload of my own leadership skills along the way. I’ve gotten comfortable in Africa and developed a genuine love for my friends and colleagues there. I would do it all again.

But after this last week in Zambia, I’ve begun to have some hope beyond my seminar cynicism. I think there are better pedagogies out there and I think I’m starting to understand what is required to build a successful leadership community in Africa built around shared values and practices. It may take more time and energy than I ever imagined but I think it’s possible and it’s starting to happen. Most importantly, I think I’m willing to give it a shot. Stay tuned. In part two, I’ll let you know a bit of what I’ve been implementing this last week and the new possibilities and challenges we’ll be facing.

Immanuel Approach: How an unspiritual encounter with God over Skype changed my whole stinking life

Six weeks ago, I spent 90 minutes praying with a friend over Skype and it changed my life. I felt the effects right away: I felt light, happy. Wave after wave of peace and gratitude flooded every dusty corner of my heart as I experienced a level of personal connection to Jesus that I’ve never felt before. It completely blew my analytical circuits. Within 48 hours I noticed I wasn’t compulsively judging people the way I used to. My social anxiety had gone down. Conflict in my marriage disappeared. (Yes, really!) A chronic fear of spiritual intimacy in my marriage I’ve struggled with for a solid decade simply vanished. I started enjoying my kids more. Heck, I even started craving healthy foods! It seemed that nearly every problematic area of my life was touched in some way by this seemingly benign prayer time.

I knew then that much of the novelty would wear off over time. Of course I would start craving nachos again. And surely some of the old anxiety would return. So I held off writing this for 6 weeks so I could study and analyze what was happening to me and report back to you without a lot of the customary fluff that can surround an ecstatic or life-changing experience. I know what a “spiritual high” is and I wanted to see how much of this experience would stick and how much would fall away. Some of it did fall way. But today, I can say the effects of that experience have continued to snowball into greater levels of peacefulness, personal security, gratitude, self-awareness, and maturity along with a sustained connection to God unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. To say I feel “born again” would be fitting in this case.

So... Here it is.

That Skype call prayer was no ordinary prayer time. My friend was introducing me to the “Immanuel Approach”, a very simple approach to prayer that accesses our memories to build a present, interactive connection with Jesus and heal traumatic memories. Designed by Dr. Karl Lehman, a Christian psychiatrist in Chicago, it was initially used as a therapeutic intervention in his private practice. But it has found applications in people’s daily lives as they use it to connect with God in simple everyday ways. I was intrigued by it because some friends whom I knew had been in counseling for years to deal with entrenched emotional issues experienced sudden and dramatic progress in those areas using the Immanuel Approach. They also talked about greater intimacy and faith in God. So I thought I’d give it a try. Here is how it goes.

1. Simple opening prayer

2. Access a memory in which you experienced God strongly and/or felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Describe everything you see/feel/experience out loud even if it doesn’t feel significant.

3. Invite God to turn that past memory into a present connection with him. (This is where the fireworks start to happen).

4. Invite God to also be in the room with you NOW in the present.

5. Visualize a negative memory in which you did NOT feel God’s presence.

6. Invite God’s presence to be with you there as well. Wait. Describe everything you see/feel/experience out loud even if it doesn’t feel significant. Be patient.

7. Whether you feel God working in the negative memory or not, return to steps 2-4 to close.

Pretty simple right? Some of you may be thinking, “oh sure! I’ve experienced something like that,” or, “I could at least see how that might be helpful.” Others may be thinking, “sounds nice but what if it doesn’t work? Is it right to get people’s hopes up?” Some may think, “good for you but everybody has different spiritual and emotional pathways so don’t assume what worked for you will work for other people.” Still others have learned from experience not to trust “simple” solutions and techniques. It’s a party trick. It’s all sounds a bit too mystical. It’s using God as a therapeutic crutch. Sounds like a spiritual “get rich quick scheme.” You would be right to feel skeptical. I’ve thought all those things myself. So I’ll just tell you what I know and let you draw your own conclusions.

When I went into my brain searching for a positive connection memory, I landed on an abandoned concrete pier near my childhood home that jutted out into Lake Superior. I walked down there many mornings in high school to dangle my legs over the icy blue water and watch the sun peek over the far horizon. I could feel the crisp Duluth air breathing gently across the choppy waves, the warm morning sun piercing the autumn chill. It was magic, and I felt God was there. As I rehearsed all this to my friend, suddenly I could see Jesus sitting next to me, dangling his legs over the pier too, just happy to be there hanging out with me. As we looked out over the pristine water, a bible reference floated across my thoughts. When I paused to look it up, I was surprised by how fitting the reference was!

Psalm 29:3—“The voice of the LORD is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the LORD thunders over the mighty waters.”

In my memory, the scene changed and dark thunderheads crowded in from all horizons until the scene was ominous and continuous muffled thunder rolled out over the waves. But it was still strangely comforting as the scene became pregnant with a sense of God being there with me. I felt that same excited expectation I feel just before thunderclouds drop their payload. I felt tuned in, engaged, eager with anticipation but also safe in God’s care. The funny thing is that now when I think back to that memory out on the pier, I think of it with the storm clouds and Jesus sitting next to me as a real part of the memory. It wasn’t part of my original autobiographical memory, but those details now seem to be “written” in as if they were part of the original event.

Back inside the memory, Jesus grabbed my hand and we started walking down the timeline of my life, which was represented by a physical path. This is where it gets funny. Halfway down the road, Jesus breaks out (I kid you not) pogo sticks and with a goofy grin on his face exclaims, “let’s hop the rest of the way!” At the time I thought this was strange. Why would Jesus do something so silly and seemingly meaningless in the middle of my intense spiritual/emotional experience? Could this be my imagination getting away with me? But it didn’t feel like my imagination. I still felt a strong connection to him. So why pogo sticks?

The real question is “why delight?”

As I’ve gone through the Immanual Approach personally and led about 8 other people through it, I’ve seen Jesus manifest himself in surprising pictures of humor and delight. As people reach the “ground floor” of their experience with him, they often see him doing embarrassingly fun and joyful things. He’s skipping through the forest, he’s grinning in a Hawaiian shirt, he’s a goofy looking electrician with a bundle of wires and a gleam in his eye that says “I’m rewiring this whole thing.” He’s uncomfortably affectionate, he’s cracking jokes. Even the most skeptical, rational people can’t help smiling and laughing when they see Jesus’ sense of humor. While not everybody experiences it this way, I’m learning to watch for these manifestations of God’s humor and delight as a sign of progress.

Personally, as I’ve learned to access God through his delight, I’ve noticed a lot of things seem to correct themselves. One of the more interesting things is that in that “delight space”, a lot of things in the bible that have always felt like complex and heavy tensions begin to feel simple, acceptable, and good. Perhaps it’s not that those things now make perfect sense, but I no longer feel afraid that going down those rabbit holes will lead me to a dark and dreary place spiritually. Similarly, not only is biblical truth no longer scary to me, general truth about myself and the world has also become non-threatening. I’m perhaps more honest with myself now than I’ve ever been. I’m able to quickly acknowledge personal flaws without feeling overwhelmed by their magnitude or powerless to do anything about them. I don’t excuse myself. And I don’t condemn myself. And I attribute that primarily to a personal experience with a kind and light-hearted God.

As an aside, I talked to a good friend recently who is raising small children. He says his biggest struggle as a father is not so much learning how to instruct or discipline his kids. He told me his biggest struggle and the thing he wants to grow in the most as a parent is learning how to enjoy his kids. He talked about how he had started drawing his kids into the things that give him delight (rather than just trying to figure out what they are into). As he has started involving his kids in these areas of his delight, they have started enjoying those things too. More importantly, they have started enjoying their time together. I thought this was a profound parental insight. Because my experience with God’s enjoyment and delight has unlocked my mind to reframe things like God’s discipline, the serious things he wants me to learn, even things like his sovereignty and wrath in a healthier light. I imagine the same is true for the ways we parent: when our kids experience our loving delight in them, a LOT of the discipline and life skills issues seem to resolve themselves because those kids know their daddy or mommy enjoys them.

Okay back to the story. Pogo sticks. Right. So we’re hopping down the road and we land back in the present. A bunch of stuff happens but the gist of it is Jesus is no longer in the memory. Now he’s in the room with me. In my mind’s eye, I can see exactly where he is standing and what he is doing. I’m not used to experiencing him is such vivid ways. It’s surprising. I think a lot of people are surprised by how quickly and strongly they sense Jesus with them in the process. As I’ve led other people through it, I’ve learned that most people sense God in some way that is particularly strong relative to their typical experience. It’s usually not completely out of context to how they’ve experienced God in the past. But typically their experience seems to be uniquely strong for them.

Then it was time to go into a negative memory. I didn’t have one picked out. But as I asked Jesus to lead me, I landed on a memory that didn’t initially feel negative or traumatic. But as I unpacked it, I identified a profoundly negative message that memory had reinforced in my life. And it was scary because as soon as I found myself there, the warm connection with God fizzled. I felt alone. And I didn’t know if I could hitch the negative memory in some way to the positive experience with Jesus that now felt so far away. But as I sat there alone in that memory, inviting Jesus to be there with me, he came, slowly at first, then strongly. He cupped his hands around my heart in a nurturing, protective gesture. I felt him with me and suddenly the negative messages associated with that memory lost their power. The negative payload of the memory fell away. And just like the positive memory before it, I can think about that memory and the added details of my interaction with Jesus—which were not a part of the original autobiographical memory—have now been inserted as though they were. In words, the healing interaction with Jesus in that memory continues to feel real, as though it really happened as a part of the original event.

That’s one of the amazing things about the Immanuel Approach. I should say, that’s one of the amazing things about inviting Jesus into your painful memories. All your wrong beliefs about yourself, about the world, about people, and about God... they are buried in your memories. And when God inserts himself into those memories, they lose their toxic payload and your wrong beliefs correct themselves based on the new information of God’s loving presence.

It has started happening in my life. That’s why I say I literally feel “born again.” Now in fairness, I need to admit that this has been a perfect storm for me. I didn’t just go through this thing once. I’ve been through it again since then. I’ve led others through it. I’ve made a habit of spending 45 minutes each day in the woods walking, praying, meditating, and expressing gratitude. This task has become much easier because my kids are in school now and because the emotional and spiritual payoff is so obvious. When I miss this time, it’s hard for me to concentrate on my work and I end up wasting a lot of time and energy throughout the day. I should also say that the last 18 months have been especially difficult and God has done a lot of work preparing me for the season I’m in now. Also, I would be amiss if I didn’t give credit to an amazing mentor who meets with me each month and has totally been an anchor for me the last few years.

But even considering all those things, the changes I’m seeing today are significant if not miraculous. Debra and I have not had a true fight in 6 weeks. That has NEVER happened in 10 years of marriage. Ever. When my buttons get pushed, it is significantly easier for me to say objectively, “wow, I’m getting triggered right now. But I know that’s about me, not you. Be patient with me while I sort it all out.” In all my relationships, it’s easier to wade through conflict. I’m not threatened by conflict the way I once was. And when there is a conflict it is relatively easy for me to sort through the emotions, pull out the things of value, and throw away the junk. It’s easier for me to maintain healthy detachment while staying emotionally present, which is a HUGE deal for me.

The biggest thus-far permanent change for me is that I now believe (not only intellectually but experientially) that God is with me. I actually think He will show up when I need Him, and that He will meet my physical and emotional needs. I don’t just think that intellectually. I believe it experientially. And if I don’t see or feel Him now, no big deal. I feel confident that I will soon. That belief in itself touches every area of my life. So it’s no wonder I feel as though God’s kingdom (simply put, that invisible place where God is in charge) is breaking in through every door and window of my life, realigning and rearranging everything from top to bottom. It is.

PS- if you want to experience the Immanuel Approach for yourself, feel free to give me a shout! You don’t have to be a Christian or even a very spiritual person. So far it seems the only qualification is willingness to try it. I’m not a pro, but I love to give it away!

Emotional Health for the Costa Rican Soul

Alex and Julie Paniagua are the Costa Rica directors for Operation Mobilization—a global consortium of young-at-heart Jesus followers from every culture with a passion for the unreached and underserved. Alex is a Costa Rica native with a big global relational heart who can blend in physically and culturally throughout the global south. Julie grew up in Mexico, the blond-headed child of American missionaries.

Alex and Julie settled in Costa Rica and gathered a team of young American, Costa Rican, and Dutch missionaries around a vision to reach Costa Rica’s rural indigenous communities. They have been developing a rugged outpost in the muggy buggy village of Talamanca and are using it to:

1. Reach an embattled community in relational ways with their holistic Jesus gospel.

2. Train young recruits for life on the mission field and mobilize them to bring Jesus to the toughest and least-reached places around the globe. The idea is... if you can survive Talamanca, you can make it just about anywhere.

Last year Angela Wolf—one of WDA’s volunteers—met up with Julie and a few of her female teammates on their base in San Jose and led them through Restoring Your Heart. That would be our 17-week small group experience designed to identify and work through unprocessed pain. It’s a revelatory and cathartic experience of grieving and forgiveness in the context of a safe and confidential group. It was designed to not only help people heal emotionally but also to enable them to grow spiritually.

When Julie went through Restoring Your Heart earlier this year, it was revolutionary. So a couple weeks ago, I flew down to the Costa Rican capital of San Jose with Angela and her husband Mike and met up with the Paniaguas. I had prayed a lot about the idea of returning to Latin America. It had been 11 years since my college semester abroad in South America had taken me on a tour through 5 Latin American nations. My Spanish is rusty now. Besides, the majority of my focus has always been on Africa. Nevertheless, I sensed the Father’s easy smile as I traced my morning route down my dead-end Georgia road one day and he whispered, “Costa Rica is my gift to you.” So I signed up to lead the men through the process. And what a gift it was.

When I arrived, I got the impression the Paniaguas had moved mountains to gather 11 of their teammates from across the country for our 5-day Restoring Your Heart experience. We convened Monday morning in a quiet retreat center atop an impossibly green mountain on the outskirts of San Jose. One of the things that make the group so safe is its strict confidentiality agreement. Needless to say, I can’t share a lot of details here. But I want to share a few assorted reflections from our experience together.

*We all got junk to work through. I don’t care who you are. We all got junk. Sometimes the people who say they don’t have junk are the ones with the most pain hidden beneath layers of self-talk and self-deception (often unintentional) that they’ve developed to get through their daily life.

*Admitting our junk is the biggest step in the process. Admission is an incredible thing. It allows others to see your real self presented honestly and without posturing. And in the midst of that vulnerable admission, it allows others to speak some of the most healing words in the human language: “Me too.” One of the most healing things for me going through this process has been to see that contrary to my beliefs, I’m just just like everybody else. As a wise man once said, “your not as good as you think you are. And you’re not as bad as you think you are.” We are all just humans. And in spite of my unique brand of giftedness and brokenness which I often falsely imagine separate me from “normal people”, I’m consistently amazed by the capacity people have to understand and empathize with the stories of others.

*This emotional health stuff is under-taught and undervalued, especially among task-driven ministry folk like me who are often too busy changing the world to take stock of what lies within. I sometimes forget how revolutionary this can be for a missionary entrepreneur who often leaves their baggage unchecked and unprocessed in service of their cause. Marching off to serve Jesus without understanding and processing our junk is a deadly mistake because we always, always, always reproduce what we are much more than what we do.

*You gotta feel worse before you can feel better. Around day 3 we had a breakthrough in our group. There were tears. There was an apology. There was forgiveness. Then people began to open up. But as they did, I saw a depressed pall come over many of them. It was as if the collective decision to be honest came with a collective realization: digging up the past hurts like hell. Literally. And honestly, why would we intentionally stir up past hurts when doing so makes us feel worse. The short answer is because the past affects the present in ways we could never dream. The past lies behind our greatest present hurts, insecurities, sensitivities, and flaws. But the good news is that almost as quickly as we admit and begin to feel our pain, the burden lifts. Maybe not immediately, but it’s surprising how much better life can feel when we have the courage to feel worse. It’s incredible how much joy and compassion and strength waits for us just on the other side of emotions of anger, sadness, and powerlessness. Don’t believe me? Go read the Psalms.

*You can only forgive what you can feel. That’s why we can walk through the forgiveness process over and over again with the same person or event or issue. It’s not because your forgiveness failed. It’s because you just peeled back a new layer of pain that also needs to be processed and forgiven. Don’t worry. You’ll get to the center of that Tootsie Pop. It may just take more licks than you originally thought. Jesus has a special ability to forgive, but it’s not because he said “no biggie” to the people who hurt him. He had that special ability to feel the weight and depth of betrayal, to grieve it, and to forgive. If it is true as they say that on the cross, Jesus “took on” the sins of the world (i.e. recognized and felt the weight of them) then it must be that God made us in such a way that we must accept/feel/take on the weight of pain before we can truly process, accept, and forgive. But we don’t tend to think that way. We cushion our pain with “no biggies” and coddle it with secret bitterness and denials fueled by our lovely Christian guilt. Maybe we don’t trust ourselves (or God) to find forgiveness on the other side of real anger or real pain. Or maybe we think we can rehearse bible verses like Hallmark cards to cast a magic forgiveness spells and push the pain away. But God didn’t wire us that way. Our pain processors are more like our digestive tract. We have to digest it to absorb the nutrients and expel the waste. Nobody ever benefitted from tying knots in their bowels. But the good news is if we have the patience and courage to work the process He made, we will find it works remarkably well.

*Forgiveness is a one-player game. Reconciliation is a two-player game. When we forgive, it is for our own benefit. It doesn’t require the other party to change their behavior or to ask for forgiveness. It doesn’t require us to then trust the other party or to invite them over for dinner. It requires exactly nothing from anyone else. Forgiveness is a process. Forgiveness is a choice we make. And forgiveness is for us, to set us free and heal us.

So by the end of the week, we sat outside on that mountaintop retreat center and every man read a letter of forgiveness out loud to the group. These were letters written to a person of their choosing: a friend, a family member, themselves, maybe even God. They were letters not to be sent but to be shared only within the safety of the group. The letter took no shortcuts and forced each man to identify what happened, talk about how it impacted them, take responsibility for their feelings, and make the hard choice to forgive. Hard letters. Courageous letters. Healing letters. As each man sat down after reading their letter, the group took time to ask questions, to speak good things into the life of each man, and to pray for them. It was beautiful.

Alex and Julie are natural champions for Restoring Your Heart. As they dream about taking on new leadership within Operation Mobilization throughout Latin America, our dream is to go deep with them, to equip them, and to train them as trainers who can champion Restoring Your Heart and a greater emphasis on emotional health throughout their Latin America teams. To do that, I’ve agreed to do a few more of these trainings alongside them in the region over the next couple years. On future trips, I’ll be able to go along as a coach while Alex and Julie lead the groups and eventually train their own group leaders. I’m excited to be spending my energy in this way rather than just doing big leadership seminars. I think this “deep with a few” kind of leadership training will be a much more effective paradigm for us than the shotgun teaching paradigm. Besides, I’ve grown to love those guys.

If you’ve made it to this final paragraph, high fives all around! And please keep me in your prayers. Because in a couple weeks, I’m off again to Zambia, this time I’m going on my own to repeat this 5-day Restoring Your Heart experiment with a gifted group of discipleship-oriented men up in Chililabombwe. I’m looking forward to exploring what it looks like to do this in an African context. Then I’ll be home for a few months snuggling kiddos, roasting coffee, and chipping away at new projects in the International ministry of WDA (spoiler: there’s a podcast coming)! Good things ahead. Stay tuned!