Dear Everyone: Sorry. I Kinda Freaked Out

In my line of work, I’m constantly having blind dates with people I’ve never met. Friends of friends, pastors, fellow missionaries. Let just say I have a big budget for coffee. Today, I met with Dan, a missionary-gone-pastor in Minneapolis and he reminded me of something important that I’ve learned, and relearned, and relearned, and relearned: that my domain is work and trust; not results.

I’ve been on staff with Worldwide Discipleship Association for over 18 months. For 18 months I’ve tried to raise enough support to move to Atlanta and do disciple-building fulltime in Georgia and on trips to Africa several times a year. I love the vision and I love the ministry. I can’t wait to get going. But I’ve been at it for a while now and the going is slow at times. I can’t tell you how many times someone has asked, “so… how long have you been on staff? Where are you with your support?” Usually a concerned look or a raised eyebrow follows my reply. This weekend, a missionary told me, “boy this is going to be really hard for you.”

Anxiety. Fear of failure. Fear of mediocrity. Fear of getting stuck in Minnesota’s cold winters for years and years. Fear of… insignificance.

When we traveled the country last September looking for support, we felt tremendous freedom to NOT be salespeople. A mentor encouraged us to care for the needs of others along the way rather than seeking to meet our own needs. He encouraged us to trust God for results and be flexible, obedient each day. We did our best. We met with as many people as possible, even if we knew they wouldn’t support us. We listened to people’s hearts, encouraged them, prayed for them, and tried to be authentic and vulnerable along the way.

The results on paper? 3 new supporters. I won’t lie, I was bummed. So I took a seminar on support raising. I followed their model and wrote a year-end appeal for funds. Maybe you got one? I think 2 people responded. Sigh… I always thought I’d be a shoe-in at this missionary thing. I’m well-connected, relational, passionate, communicative. When I signed up for this, I knew I’d have hard work ahead of me. But it’s been harder than I imagined.

So here I am: still dead set on doing this thing. But wondering why I’m still here. Why am I still here?

But now I’m thinking…. Maybe God’s more patient than I am. As my new friend Dan just pointed out: Elijah was in hiding for 3 years in a cave, doing nothing significant but being fed by ravens. I think of Elijah as the guy who called down fire from heaven on Mt. Carmel, wielding God’s power against a bunch of false prophets. Not bad for a day in the office. But here he was for YEARS, hanging out alone in a cave with birds for waiters. There are a lot of waiting periods for people in the bible. The mature folks knew how to accept those periods gracefully as people who were at peace with themselves and able to trust the Father with each moment.

Each day I work hard at this thing (as Father encouraged me to). But too often I take it an extra step and start relying on myself to get results and start feeling bummed when the desired results aren’t there. What if it takes me 2 years? 5 years? The funny thing is that I’m the only one who’s freaked out. All my supporters have communicated nothing but support (duh!) all the way. Nobody’s worried that it’s taking a long time. They all seem to trust the Father’s purpose and intentionality in my life more than I do! They give me a lot more slack than I give myself.

Back in August, when God was rocking my heart with lots of love and emotional healing, I felt the purposefulness of the season. There was a sweetness to my growth and personal discipleship. I felt that the more time I spent in Minnesota, the better my ministry would be later. In my line of work you HAVE to practice what you preach so I felt like God had me in “quality control” for a while until I was mature enough to simply BE a disciple before I MADE disciples. In that time, he told me that one lie he would confront in my heart was the lie that “productivity determines my worth.” I guess that one hasn’t sunk into my skull yet! I’ve been chomping at the bit for weeks and everyone else has been telling me to chill out.

If you’ve seen me stressed out or discouraged… like I have to be on duty all the time, looking for support, providing my own needs, playing the part of missionary par excellence…. I’m sorry. That’s not how I want to operate. Truth is, I’m learning that all I’ve got is today. 24 hours is an acceptable amount of time. Minnesota is an acceptable place. I have acceptable relationships. I do acceptable work. I can rest secure in who I am (accepted) and trust Father for results and for the future. (Isn’t it funny how the best stuff we learn as adults is the same stuff we learned as kids? I suppose the whole “don’t worry about tomorrow“ thing applies to me too.)

So… I resolve to chill out.