Shaking off the Monxiety Monkey

Anxiety is no longer an acceptable “residence” for me. I know there will be anxious moments in my life and I won’t ignore that fact. But I feel like I’ve seen enough of God’s faithfulness in His promises to carry me through MOST difficulties. I believe I understand that even if the worst happens in my life that God’s love for me is not nullified. Though I’ll admit I’ve lived a pretty cushy existence to date. So I guess we’ll see what happens when the rubber meets the road. But what I HAVE experienced has only shown God’s care and intentionality even in the dark seasons.

There have been a few moments of clarity in life in which I’ve decided to move past a certain emotional response like anxiety. A couple years ago, I decided not to yield to my fear of people. I have written in caps, “I will not be afraid,” across a page in my bible. Did it work? Well, sort of. I’m still a petrified people-pleaser. But I’ve put myself in an increasing number of situations in the last couple years where I’ve had to swallow my fear. That’s felt good.

So I’m hopeful that this resolution that came out of a meeting last month with pastor Dan will keep bearing fruit in my heart. I realized that God has always provided for me and there’s no logical reason for me to believe that He will stop providing. (To be fair, I’m also coming to term with the fact that “provision” doesn’t always mean, “cushion” and I’m okay with that because I trust His character.) That resolution has already saved me from dwelling in anxiety on several occasions since then. When I feel it cropping up, I’m newly empowered to shake my head and dismiss it as ridiculous. Even today, I’m shaking off money anxiety (“monxiety??”) as I try to go to church not asking, “who will support me?” But rather, “who can I love?”  It seems juvenile for me to spend whole days at this point doubting the Father over money when he’s always given us food and shelter (and fun-money to boot)!

So I’m hopeful: Hopeful that the experience of relief from financial anxiety will also bring relief in other areas of anxiety in my life. My marriage, my ministry, my sense of purpose and identity…. They could all use a little rest from the strain of anxiety.