The Macho Man Gospel

A recent Christian film, Courageous depicts a handful of middle-aged men who through a series of trying life circumstances bind to together in a resolution to become godly men. Each of them undergoes a transformation throughout the movie from a more timid, passive, reactionary role in their work and families towards a more proactive, responsible, and loving role. The climax of the movie happens when these men draft a covenant vowing to take responsibility for themselves and their families in a bold counter-cultural move toward a “biblical picture” of manhood. At the end of the movie, the main character is seen standing in front of a large church reading the covenant out loud with trembling courage and resolve. Here are a few lines from The Resolution for Men…

I WILL love God with all of my heart, all of my mind, and all of my strength and pray that by my example my family will be taught to do the same.

I WILL lead my family not into serving or loving the world, but to cast their eyes upon the Lord and serve Him only.

I WILL demonstrate to my family what it means to be a man of God and ask their support each day in my endeavor.

I WILL enter into this covenant today and begin my life as a courageous man who will lead his family joyfully every day.

The movie itself could have been worse to be honest. In a long line to kitschy Christian films, this one is perhaps the most tastefully done. Though cheesy one-liners and cultural christianisms abound (along with an unconvincing attempt at cultural exposés with token black and Latino characters) I’ll admit there were some hair-raising moments of inspiration. I’ll also say it seems to have lit a fire in the bellies of conservative Christian men everywhere. There is now a revival of sorts within the “Baptist bent” of Evangelicalism: a renewal of male leadership and initiative passionately seeking to reclaim biblical masculinity from a culture which opposes true manhood, offering jockish passivity as a cheap alternative.

Maybe that explains why for every teaching I’ve heard on Jesus since coming to Georgia, I think I’ve heard at least as many lessons on gender. Sermons and bible studies on male leadership within the household have flooded the church. I don’t think I’m out of my depth to say there’s an obsession with gender, with reestablishing the differences between men and women, with cultivating men who will assume a benevolent authority over their wives and children, leading them with gentle firmness to love and fear God.

At its heart I could almost love the 1-page Resolution. Almost. After all, who wouldn’t want men to reject passivity, take responsibility, and love their families? But I’m witnessing the fallout on the ground level and it’s causing me some concern. Let me lay it out. Then I’ll take a stab at some proactive solutions…

1. Men hear strength with invulnerability. That’s not what the covenant states. It’s what guys hear. Maybe that’s because in our culture, strength and vulnerability are polar opposites on a continuum… be brave or be weak, tremble or be tough. In fact, we know the greatest acts of courage ARE acts of vulnerability. But I don’t sense this is emphasized very well. So there’s a subtle pressure: if things get tough, be strong for your family. If you’re scared, or exhausted, or depressed, muscle through for your family. Walk it out, take control, don’t just roll over. God wants you to be strong, not needy or whiny.

2. Gender-neutral qualities become the sole property of men. Since when were women NOT called to take responsibility, be courageous, and lay down their lives for their family? I’d say a quick study of Ruth, Abigail, Jael, Deborah, Lydia, and countless other biblical women would put that to rest. Also, I think there’s a strong biblical paradigm for men to nurture and to cultivate beautiful things. So is there a difference? Clearly! But in matters of spiritual maturity, I find the bible to be surprisingly gender neutral. We do God a disservice when we draw sharp lines where there is “neither male nor female.”

3. Women become children. As I’ve gotten to know a number of conservative Christians here in Georgia, I’ve been shocked by the disparaging attitude towards women. Now men of every stripe and culture will always complain about their wives, but there’s an added bite down here, a true bitterness against the “weaker sex.” I can’t tell you how many anecdotes I’ve heard with some variation of the phrase, “well, you know how women are.”

Okay, let me share my own stupidity here: Every single time in my marriage that I’ve said, “Debra, I want you to trust me and follow my lead on this one,” I’ve grown to regret it. Usually it’s because those strong-arm decisions come out of my deepest fears and insecurities (though at the time I mislabeled them “convictions”). And fear drives us to control. The message I send my wife is not, “I love you too much to let our family go that direction.” The message is, “you are emotional and not to be trusted with big decisions. You need a strong, rational man to take care of you.” Truth is, my wife is really good at taking care of herself and her family. In fact she’s almost better at it when I’m not around to tell her how helpless she is! Without getting into the expansive biblical debate, I find things go much better for everyone when you treat your wife like an intelligent, capable adult instead of a dependant with curves.

4. Roles begin to supersede maturity. Again, this is NOT the thrust of the Resolution for Men but it IS the thrust of human nature. Parse out roles, draw a line, be a man. I see guys who are seriously concerned about whether they should let their wives do “man’s work” because they fear they’ll be (1) shirking their responsibilities or (2) quietly emasculated by their female counterparts. Then they wonder why their wives aren’t more grateful to have a husband that takes responsibility and honors the woman’s role in the household.

5. Resolutions lead to white-knuckling and shame. More on that here. The idea is that a covenant is a binding thing that can be really dangerous for our hearts. Those “I will never” or “I will always” statements usually create more shame than progress. And behind this gorgeously idyllic resolution, I see the sneaky head of shame slithering up to condemn those rotten, ungodly men who will never measure up to “God’s idea” of a righteous man. Is that happening here on the ground? You betcha.

So let me present a couple alternatives to the “manly man gospel” which I think will do a better job of developing godly, responsible men.

1. Teach sonship. Healthy biblical manhood rests on healthy biblical sonship. We have a bunch of guys trying to be men before they’ve learned to be boys. My counselor friends tell me we all have uncompleted “developmental tasks”, things every child needs to learn before he can become an adult: how to bond with another person, how to be independent, how to tell the difference between himself and another person, how to tell the difference between good and bad… We want to stand up and be warriors but we never learned to sit in our father’s lap. So maybe before we teach guys how to be manly men, we should learn how to be little children. (resource: Jack Frost on spiritual sonship.)

Teach vulnerability. We need to emphasize that great courage comes out of great risk and great fear. Those moments of deep insecurity in which we lay ourselves on the line in a wild “bid for connection” (credit to Brenee Brown)… that has more to do with courage than mere moral rectitude or leadership. We ought to drive home the point that real strength is not an opposing vector to vulnerability, but that they are inextricable.

Develop character, not gender roles. I think we’d better just table the subject to be honest with you. Because we have more foundational work to spend our energy on. Not that gender isn’t important; it’s just that there are a lot more valuable topics for consideration right now. Like, “what does it mean be a person?” “Are you acceptable?” “What’s God’s heart?” “What is good? What is bad?” “What is forgiveness all about?”

Don’t resolve. Heal. Resolutions are easy. Progress is hard. Real transformative personal/spiritual growth goes deeper than our habits or disciplines. It goes right into the dusty corners of our hearts, those long-neglected areas we really don’t want to show our church friends. (And I’m not talking about your closet drinking.) What I’m saying is that discipleship is part and parcel with emotional healing. That’s why the folks I work for developed a group experience to shed light on those dusty corners, to grieve losses, to confront shame, and to understand emotions. It’s called Restoring Your Heart and in my opinion, it’s one of the best things to come out of the church in the last 20 years. Other groups like “Celebrate Recovery”, and “Shiloh Place Ministries” are also doing great stuff in this arena.

Okay… Time for bloopers… And now! For sheer entertainment value, a collection of responses to one reviewer’s unflattering critique of the movie, Courageous!!

“Until you can give a more unbiased review of a movie, you should consider another line of work. Talk about Satan having a position in your life. Your review speaks volumes on how sad it must be to be you.”

“I love to see the reliance on God in this movie. We can not succeed without God. Period. That is not an opinion, it comes straight out of the Book of Truth: Scripture.”

Sounds to me like you have used this review as a way to express your personal beliefs.  How about the fact that it is one of the few movies that are free from vulgarity and sex, and show how fathers are trying to be better role models for thier children??

“Ignorants. people like you criticize movies like this one the way you do because you see yourselves there and don't want to accept your mistakes. But just like its said in the movie the day will come when we will stand before God and we won't be judged by how many wrongs or goods we've done. Good bless you”

“Easily the saddest movie reviewer ever. Maybe his dad never hugged him. A guy as full of himself as nick has no room for the profound message this movie offers.”

“I will pray for you Nick. Luke 23:34, ‘And Jesus said, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And parting his garments among them, they cast lots.’”

“You want subtlety Nick? How’s this….America is subtlety going to hell in a hand basket because of views like yours. ‘Woe to those who call evil good and good evil…’ Isaiah 5:20.”

“I am so blessed not to go through life with Nicks "dead in side" attitude.”

“Pray for Nick. The further we separate from Gods will the further we decline as a society.”

“Please, before you say stupid and be belligerent against the producers of this film, why don't you watch it as a human, and not a critic. After you do, please feel free to change your limited intellect and say that you ARE wrong. Have a nice day and stay out of trouble; actually, stay out of idiocy.”

Oh hey! It’s Nate again. Wasn’t that wonderful? In case you’re wondering, I would estimate that at least 75% of the comment thread was made up of these kinds of comments. Ouch, right? I mean, it’s a wonder that anybody could possibly dislike Christianianty after reading something like that!

The Problem of Christian-ese and other Religious Dialects

 “Hey Phil, how’s it going?”

“Hallelujah brother, God is good.”

“So… everything’s okay?”

“Glory to God, I’m washed in the blood of the lamb, man! Praise the Lord.”

Ever had that kind of conversation? Did you walk away having any clue how the other person was doing? When people say that stuff to me, all I hear is, “Religion, blah blah blah. Oughtashareit blah blah blah.” Eventually I give up because while I understand that Phil wants to bring God into his everyday interactions, I’ve lost Phil in the process.

I understand that every community will have it’s own specialized lingo. I also know that a community may emphasize or deemphasize the use of specialized language. In my opinion, it makes a big difference. Here are a few reasons to avoid Christianese:

     1.     Religious language enables hiding and the presentation of false selves. Religious language gives people the tools needed to present their ideal selves rather than their real selves. A well-crafted religious answer can give the false impression that a person is mature, put-together, and impermeable thus shutting down conversation. Even in a loving community, it’s easy for a person to use Christianese as a smoke screen to avoid being truly known.

     2.     Religious language presents a false model for maturity. If a preacher or church leader uses a lot of specialized jargon, constituents (or parishioners) will naturally seek to emulate that jargon. In college, I attended the church of popular Christian author, John Piper. I would watch as ordinary young men would come under his tutelage and at the end of two years, could pray and preach with the precise vocabulary, style, even cadence that Dr. Piper himself used. It wasn’t his fault. It’s human nature. When people seek to emulate someone with a Christian accent, it becomes easier to, “fake it ‘til I make it.” We come under the myth that the use of Christianese is a mark of maturity so we start using it, hoping it will make us better Christians.

     3.     Religious language nurtures shame. When I was in Youth for Christ, I was taught to find ways to mention God in everyday conversations. I was told this would lead to more significant spiritual conversations and evangelistic opportunities. While that may have been true, I found myself feeling a compulsive guilt whenever I failed to bring God up at least once in every conversation. It was like I had an agenda, an assignment in all my conversations and if I failed to complete that assignment, I was a bad student or didn’t really care about peoples’ souls. It has taken me this long to accept the fact that God loves love… and any relationship that reflects authentic care reflects Him to the same degree.

     4.     Religious language can alienate. If a newcomer walks into your church and you bombard him with religious jargon you’re sending a message: catch up or get left behind. It creates a clear delineation between the “in group” and the “outsiders”. So if I can’t or won’t use you religious dialect, I may not stick around for very long. Additionally, religious language can be used to alleviate guilt or justify bad behavior. As one famous preacher says, “some of the nastiest letters I’ve ever received are signed, ‘your brother in Christ.’”

Recognize that even in the bible, there was a general difference between the use of religious lingo in speaking and in writing. Let me give you an example:

Paul writing: “Whom God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his beloved son.”

Jesus talking:  “God’s kingdom is like a farmer in sewing seeds.”

Peter writing: “In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus.”

Peter talking:  “Let me explain this to you; listen carefully to what I say. These people are not drunk, as you suppose. It’s only nine in the morning! 

Do you hear the difference in cadence and tone? I don’t think it’s a matter of “dumbing it down” as much as it’s about choosing a whole new set of words to say essentially the same things. So, if you find Christianese to be second nature, here is some practical advice for unlearning religious jargon:

Speak normal. Recognize that the culture hears religious terminology differently than you or I. Righteousness = self-righteousness. Judgement = judgmentalism. Atonement = @#*%&?! If there’s a clearer, more understandable word, use it.

Drop the KJV. I know you may have grown up hearing, memorizing, and feeling comforted by a bible with Thees and Thous, but the world has moved past that now. If you want to be understood by the other 80% of the culture, “you” will do.

Say it twice. Religious language is meaningless until assigned meaning. If you think a religious term is appropriate, then use it! But also take the time to rephrase it in common English. No need to carry a dictionary around. Just say things like, “Christ became our righteousness... It’s like he knew we couldn’t be good on our own power, so he was good on our behalf.” Saying it twice helps enlighten everyone and it challenges you to think. Do you really know what that term means? Have you really thought about what it means for you? Or are you just copying someone else?

Learn from non-Christians. Pay careful attention to the way people outside your religious community talk about the things you’re interested in as a religious person: love, self-sacrifice, goodness, fairness, heroism, ultimate Reality, etc. Believe it or not, even atheists are interested in what it means to be good, practice justice, pursue truth, and find love. Even if the answers are different, you’ll find we have more in common than we think!

Take the long game. In some ways it’s easier throw a Christianese sucker punch into your banter with the Walmart clerk than it is to spend time getting to know a non-Christian and caring for them whether they become a Christian or not. Very few of us have felt deeply impacted by the words of strangers. It’s the people we authentically know and respect that we turn to. But there’s an act of self-sacrifice for us in becoming that known and respected person. Because to get there, we have to let go of our religious agendas, our notch-in-the-belt evangelism that counts decision cards rather than relationships. We have to learn to love and respect someone we may not agree with.

I’m not saying it’s easy to unlearn this language. But I am saying it’s worthwhile, even crucial. And the more deeply we personalize our faith, the more honestly we evaluate why WE believe what we believe (that is, your answer, not the “right” answer), the easier it will become to speak in plain English about the spiritual life without resorting to a language as easily misinterpreted and misunderstood as Christianese.

"Christian Militia" post under construction...

I would be a hypocrite if I were ready to criticize other Christians but not be the first to accept constructive criticism myself. I’ve gotten some critical feedback on my recent post, “Ready for a New Christian Militia?” from someone I respect and trust and it’s caused me to think more deeply about my experience at an evangelical men’s event last Monday. I think my main point was that many churches have been guilty of using Jesus as a rubber stamp for “Christian causes”, causing more harm than good. Also, many churches paint an inappropriately negative view of culture and the world, fostering fear and sometimes even hatred in the name of Jesus. That needs to be said, and those tactics should never be tolerated. But I need to spend some more time evaluating the way I used Monday’s events to communicate that point. I need to make sure I’ve painted a fair and balanced view of this church and the guest speaker before re-publishing the blog. So at this point, it’s “under construction.” To be continued…

All By Itself- a new personal anthem

Phlegm in my lungs, in my nose, in every pore. Feeling like death warmed over. Responsible for one feverish baby and one fashion diva while Debra was away this weekend. Exhausted before the day even started, I sat in this chair yesterday nursing a cup of coffee thinking with some anxiety about the day’s plans.

I had been asked to lead worship at a small Vineyard church half an hour away and had picked out seven high-octane songs, which were now way out of my soar-throated range. I also envisioned the inevitable scenario of having to wear Levi on my back the whole time.

We’ve done that sort of thing before, but it requires a taste for ambiguity.

But perhaps the greater anxiety was coming from the post-church pizza picnic I had planned with a new friend. See, I started this online meetup group for non-religious folks in my area. My thinking was that it’s a bummer that people who can’t or won’t affiliate with a church or religious group should have to live isolated lives outside of meaningful community. I also thought that in light of my near total estrangement from southern church culture, I may find significant friendships myself that will challenge my church-bubble molds in some healthy ways. Mutually beneficial, supportive, non-evangelistic relationships across a spectrum of spiritual backgrounds. It’s an experiment I know, and one I’ve felt called, compelled, pushed to undertake. But I’ve asked myself constantly if I’m way out of my depth. Well, the leader of another free-thought society contacted me and we set it up to meet for pizza in the park. I felt… a number of feelings.

But as I sat in my stained, white IKEA chair, my brain swimming in a cozy blanket of fat and mucus, a mysterious reference floated into my consciousness: “Mark 4:28”. The thought grew louder and louder until I opened my bible hesitantly to find out just what gives. Jesus compares the “kingdom” (the authority of God) to a farmer scattering seeds. Regardless of the farmer’s ambition or activity, “all by itself, the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head.”

I want to be careful with the application. The whole farming metaphor has too often fed into a, “go hand out tracts and get some converts” mentality. Actually the application I find is much more AND much less involved on our part.

But for me, the thing I needed to hear was that it’s okay to just show up to life as weak, wimpy, and honest. Because I don’t control the growth of people or projects. Not really. I like the humility of the farmer. He works hard but knows at the end of the day that soil and sun and rain are going to do the heavy lifting. He’s a clod-covered cultivator, dignified in ordinariness, naturally doing what he can do and joyfully observing that which he can’t.

I can’t make God show up at church. I can’t make an atheist or a bible-thumper think I’m wonderful. I can’t conjure up approval. I can’t create growth or community. I can be myself. I tend to think that being oneself is the apparatus for seed sowing. The only question is… what kind of seed? Or maybe the “fragrance” analogy is more apt here? Do you smell like beauty or death? It’s tough to hide what comes out of your pores even when you have a nice perfume.

But having been one’s self, I suppose the subsequent release is designed to be joyful. We clod-covered cultivators dance happily with the design of the soil and genetic coding of beautiful and nourishing plants. Not because I did it. Because I was never supposed to do it.

Okay, enough of that! The music thing went well. My voice gone, a feverish baby on my back, I felt a rushing out of some pretense I may have otherwise carried in with me. And something special happened which I had nothing to do with.

(check us rock stars out! No he's not sleeping. He's scoping out the lights!)

And the picnic was nice. My friend comes from what he calls “soft atheism” which tends to value relationships, health, and philanthropy. I genuinely liked him. I related with his evaluation of the religious community I come from. I appreciated his perspective. If he can tolerate my faith, I think he’ll be good for me.

A missionary friend once told me he found it easier to get along with people who shared his philosophy of ministry—his way of interacting with people and cultures—than with people who merely shared his theology. I suppose that makes sense and it helps me understand why though I am a Christian, I may wake up one day to find that some of my best friends are not.