Addicted to Influence

I have a confession to make: I’m addicted to influence. I have an insatiable appetite for power that tastes approval and goes on a sharkish feeding frenzy. It’s true, and the crazy thing is, I’m willing to give myself ulcers to gain that power and influence and approval. I take on the stress and responsibility of others because I’ve begun to imagine myself as a crucial part of this whole (fill in the blank) endeavor. I’d like to say, “Papa God’s love and approval are all I need to feel secure and satisfied,” and that should be true…. But its not always true for me. I kind of wonder if seasoned leaders look at me running around vying for influence, and chuckle with a spark of recognition for the young ambitious guy that works himself to death.

I’ve been doing a lot of that lately, and getting a lot of approval for it. At times I’ve found myself, an impoverished 28-year-old dad living with his in-laws, pastoring pastors, giving prophetic words to spiritual shepherds, gaining accolades from one Rev. Dr. Mr. Importantguy after another! One of these guys, a known commodity in “Churchyland” walked into our church Sunday and had a long conversation with me. On his way out the door, he left my pastors with a glowing reference: “sounds like your church (with Nate) is going from good to great.”

I’m embarrassed to admit that I once pursued a coffee meeting with a famous author and pastor (okay, okay, it was John Piper) for the sole reason (I realize it now) that I hoped to gain credibility and self-importance through my association with him. I’m glad now that I wasn’t given the time of day! Among missionaries we often talk disparagingly about “nationals” who try to build and maintain friendship with us for no other reason than the notoriety of their association with an American. “Why can’t they just like me for me?!” But I’m afraid I do the exact same thing.

I write this so that I can stay sane. I feel the warm presence of a heavenly Father looming over me with stern kindness saying, “so are you going to privately humble yourself now? Or should I humiliate you publicly?” With the calmest and most loving voice, God says to me, “Friend, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.” Okay. Take me down a few notches on the self-importance scale. Feels like self-sabotage. Is life.

In the mean time, this was my resolution for the day. It seems like Jesus did this a lot, so I’ll try to do more of it myself…

Resolution #4: I resolve NOT to spend time with someone for the sole reason that they are influential or powerful. On the contrary, I resolve to hang out with powerless people, to love and be loved by them, to chase after God with them, to obnoxiously and purposefully lower my “cool rating” because “my people” aren’t “THE people to know.”