Excuse me. Can I have the shirt off your back?

I’m going to Lubumbashi, Congo in less than 3 weeks!! I’m going a couple days early to hang out before co-worker Dave Johnson comes and we teach our seminars. So I was feeling a bit nervous about arriving alone in an African airport. But it just so happens (heehee) that my friend Cora who lives here in Minneapolis is from Lubumbashi! Guess who is going to arrange a ride from the airport for me AND a place to stay with her English-speaking brother? I think God loves me. :)

So last night we were at our friend Shana’s house and Cora came over. We were talking about gifts in the African context and Cora told me an interesting story:

She and Shana were at the house of a new Somali friend. They were having a wonderful conversation when Cora complimented the Somali woman’s outfit. The woman lit up and said, “oh good! Would you like it?” Without missing a beat, Cora responded, “Yes! I want that!” The woman smiled and went to change clothes, bringing the outfit back nicely wrapped for Cora, who joyfully received the gift. “I just bought it yesterday,” said the woman. “So it should be clean.” Shana, not believing what believing what her American eyes were seeing, joked with the woman, “Well what about me? I want one too! I like the one you’re wearing now!” “Oh good!” cried the Somali woman and went to change outfits once again.

I’ve come to suspect that most Africans would give you the shirt off their back… and that they might ask for yours too! But somewhere inside, I believed (here’s my racist confession of the day) that they were just being nice to me to win favor with an American. “Not at all,” exclaims my Malawian friend Harvey. “They’re like that with each other too. It’s our culture.

It got me thinking. We American’s stink at giving or receiving anything! We’re out of practice. I mean when we were poorer, we really needed each other. We’d have barn raisings, harvest parties, and more shared possessions. We expected to help each other out and we expected to need the help of others. It was precisely tit for tat, but it was a social safety net that helped everybody survive and thrive. Now we have insurance for everything. No need to call a friend when you can call AAA. No need to ask for help on your house when you have the money to hire a pro. Sometimes we’ll go halfway across the country to see friends or family and stay in a hotel! We’ve done away with full service gas stations and manned checkout lines. Now they make us uncomfortable.

We’ve built (even in the last 20 years) a self-serve society that empowers independence but emaciates our social safety net. So when someone offers something I want or need (whether it’s a hundred bucks or a place to stay or an hour of their time) here’s what goes through my mind: Oh no. If I accept that you’ll resent me or want something in return. I’ll find a way to do it on my own. Well, okay but maybe I can help you pay for that. No? Well I’ll keep track and make sure I return the favor. Are you sure this is okay? Are you SURE?!

Gratitude is cheap for us. We don’t believe that a smile and a “thank you” is enough reward for the giver. We don’t trust that the giver just wants to bring us joy and that our gift to that person is simple, dignified appreciation. When I let someone give me something I want, I’m saying, “I see and accept that you care for me. I trust you not to hold this over my head.” When I ask for something I need, I’m saying, “I think so highly of you and I’ve come to believe that if you can help me, you will. I know that you care for me. Please help.” There is no groveling or apologizing or second-guessing or endearing myself to you.

If you think about it, our attitude toward others easily influences our attitude toward God. If we can’t accept simple gifts from others, how will we accept God’s big gifts? The attitude toward His grace can easily be, “There’s gotta be some way to get God’s favor on my own. Surely, my good works mean something!” We have to understand that we can never pay God back for his kindness and forgiveness. He asks for nothing in return. Nothing at all.

But still, we sense that accepting a free gift as truly free will change our lives and we don’t like the idea of surrendering our hearts or our lifestyles. Accepting grace is like enslaving ourselves to freedom. When we stop viewing love as a quid pro quo affair, our whole attitude changes. We begin a life of no-strings-attached generosity and shameless receiving. If we want a self-serve life, we’ll never really embrace God because everything in Him grates against our Lone Ranger self-reliance.

Somewhere behind the walls of my American attitudes, I think I have an African heart. In college I began to dream that all my relationships could have an easy give and take. I can come to your house and ask simply for a stick of butter, an hour of your time, some help with my kids or my house. And of course, you can do the same with me. Let me come help with your dishes. We’ll talk while we work and enjoy each other. Come mow my lawn. I’m behind this week. Come for dinner. I have plenty of food and I want to make you happy!

For me, there’s a sense of safety in expecting that I will lay down my agenda, my time, and my possessions for others AND (not “because”) they will do the same for me. Maybe its less efficient at times. But it’s joyful to me.

But somewhere along the way, I heard this was all pie in the sky. That it would be healthy to adjust my expectations. I’ve learned it’s normal to schedule with people weeks in advance. It’s impolite to knock on their doors without calling ahead. It’s inappropriate to ask for favors. It’s strange to offer certain kinds of help. Most relationships are uncertain and require a certain level of guarded formality. So when my friend Cora needs help with her stalled car in the parking lot, she’s disappointed when the grocery store guy looks confused and asks if she has AAA instead of offering to help.

In the last 5 years I've learned to stop giving AND receiving. I stopped asking for things because people seemed indifferent or even offended that I asked. The worst feeling is when someone grudgingly gives you what you ask for and then never speaks to you again! 

Ultimately, I’ll have to learn to operate and thrive in both contexts. But I think in my heart, I want the African way, or at least some sort of hybrid. I want to get better at giving, asking, and receiving. (As a support-raised missionary, it’s a require job skill!) And you'd better believe that when I go to Lubumbashi in 3 weeks, I'll go bearing gifts!