There’s some confusion about what discipleship is and what it isn’t. Some people feel that disciple-building relationships deal
with mentoring between a wise elder and a young person. Others feel it’s more
like “friendship with a purpose.” Personally, I’m flexible. I find that people
raised in conservative circles often like the power differentiation of the
mentoring relationships while others find it a bit alienating. When I’m
entering a discipling relationship, I typically withhold judgment about the
role I can play in this person’s life until I’ve met with him several times. I
may never verbalize a label for a relationship unless he asks. But if I
do, I find it helpful to bear three things in mind:
1. Roles can be freeing. I’ve been able to
pour tons of quality time into people I wouldn’t typically connect with simply
because I don’t expect them to meet my needs. A young guy once said, “I feel
bad that we meet every week and just talk about me. Don’t you want me to ask
some questions about your life?” To which I responded, “You can ask me
anything you’d like, but I want you to know that I’m here for you. I don’t expect you to be there for me.” That
freed both of us from the obligation to build a two-sided friendship and
allowed us to focus on his personal
growth. I didn't have to worry about whether he was meeting my needs.
2. Roles can be crippling. I’ll be the
first to admit that my tendency to slap roles on all my relationships has
sometimes isolated me and driven me back and forth between self-loathing and
pride. Are you worth my time? Am I worth your
time? In my life, simple friendships are hard to find partially because I turn
all potential friendships into work. To relax, trust, receive care, and engage
as a peer is a struggle that deprives me of meaningful community.
After an initial meeting with one such friend, I discovered through a mutual
friend that his primary reaction was, “dude. You don’t have to be on the clock
with me.”
3. Roles can be organic. This was SO fun
for me to discover. At the end of last year’s men’s group, I was spent. I had
met semi-regularly with 10 guys primarily as a leader, an advocate, but not as
a friend. Exhausted I told my co-leader, Mike, “I really like you. I want to
hang out with you. But I can’t handle deep conversations right now. How do you
feel about video games?” True to his word, Mike and I spent several afternoons
mindlessly playing games, eating Pakistani food, and cultivating a deep kinship
that lasts to this day. Likewise, the day I moved away from Chicago, I called one
of my guys and we chatted on the phone for two hours... primarily about me. The whole time, I was
thinking, “wow, I actually really enjoy this guy!” Similar things have happened
with at least two or three other guys. Having cared for them, they grow and
begin to care for me, becoming great
advocates and dear friends.
I like roles. I really do. But I’m finding it necessary to
hold them loosely. Sometimes it’s the people I’ve cared for in the past who are
best able to care for me.
No comments :
Post a Comment